Cinders Ella

Tonight

God, I felt alive tonight.

And there weren't even any parks involved. Which is rare.

Things started out... awkward. Sitting at a table of people where I was the only person who didn't spend six weeks in rehearsal for Joseph (okay, and Callie, who always has Natasha to talk to which for the most part is all she needs). And I couldn't find anything I wanted on the menu- we went to Osaka's. When I eat sushi, it's with my family, and when we eat sushi, we eat sushi. Like... it is a roll extravaganza. Plus, all I really wanted was some french fries. Thats why I wanted to go out in the first place. At any rate.

It ended up not being awkward.
No one talks shit like theater kids, let me tell you.
Also, I am incredibly loud. I know this, but I never realize it until someone tells me to be quiet. I guess that's become my way of getting people to pay attention to me, because otherwise everyone else is talking and I never get to put things in. And I almost always have something to say, but I don't get to.

The eight of us just sat around and ate, and laughed, and talked shit, and laughed louder, and said things that are definitely going to send up to hell, and laughed some more.

Tonight was aces, the whole thing. Light crew is great. We laugh so hard. We have so much fun together. We lay on the floor, and have 'places' rolls, and just rock on.
I have a joke for you.

Some cows are standing in a field, and one of the baby cows goes up to the mother and says: Mother, why is my name Daisy?
The mother says: Because when you were little, and bunch of daisies fell on your head.
Daisy: Oh, okay.
A second baby cow approaches the mother and says: Momma, why is my name Grass?
Mother: Because, when you were born, a bunch of grass fell on your head.
Grass: Ooh.
A third baby cow comes to the mother and says: alskdfjlajsfdklajlfdkaf
Mother: Shut up Cinderblock.

Bahahahahahahaha.
We are hilarious. Comedic. Endless. We are infinite and we like it.

On the way out of the restaurant, Anthony made this joke about the Mexican man working behind the sushi bar, and Alec and I were laughing, and as we're walking into the miniparking lot of Osakas, I trip down the rampway (because it drops off) and fall onto the pole that's meant to alert you to the drop off. Sarah and Anthony kind of caught me, and I just kept laughing hysterically. Apparently Anthony did kind of the same thing a second before, but on a smaller scale so there was no catching, and no one saw him do it. I just laughed.

I looked at the clock as I got into the car, it was 11:48. On the drive home I thought about how wonderful I felt, and how it didn't seem quite possible. Usually when I feel happy, really happy, it seems like some impossible thing. Maybe because the in between time feels like so long, that it feels like it isn't possible.  Not that I'm unhappy in between, not depressed, I'm just not really happy. You have to be in the right situation, with the right people to be really happy.

Also
I'm a horrible person. I won't explain why because... well this is the internet and a public blog and I'm always the one who tells people they can't be surprised when people know stuff they post on the internet, so I'm not going to explain- in the event that I would later wish that someone didn't know.
I don't know if I would have thought it regardless, or if I only think it because someone else put the idea into my head. I mean, it's there idea, they can... keep it, or you know, do nothing with it, as the case may be. But, still.
I'm in such a good mood, I don't actually care about the horrible person thing. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter.

Also
Alche knows McNiceArms. This is irrelevant. In fact, I don't really have a reason to care. McNiceArms is as false and blown out of proportion as a fictional character, or a movie star. There's probably as much chance of anything developing there as there is of something developing with Ian Somerhalder. Okay, slightly greater chance given the age thing and the actually knowing him thing, and all that miscellaneous stuff.



I love my mom.

"11:11" "My clock is three minutes fast."

Happy Birthday to me.


Went to see Working for Super Summer Theatre.

It was pretty bad.



Molly drove me home and we talked. It was.... really really nice. The kind of conversation I haven't had in a really long time, and really exactly what I needed.
It was kind of like we each said what we needed to say, listened to what the other one had to say, and then said what we needed to say. There wasn't any not knowing what to say or making things awkward.
Natasha called in the middle of our conversation, which was weird. She told Molly to call her back when we were done. I'm kind of interested as to why she called, but it actually doesn't bother me.

I haven't been keeping up with the labels on my blogs.

Half-Blood Blogger

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way things change over time. I've talked a lot about it to. But it doesn't stop being strange. It doesn't stop being both incredibly comforting and horrendously unnerving that life goes on whether you're ready for it to or not.

A few months ago Lipkin said to me, "You're only going to stay friends with three people after high school, you're just hoping its the same friends you have now."

I have supposed to make a movie this summer with Molly and Natasha and Caity and Shannin. I really wanted to make this one happen. Wanted to see it through unlike all the other projects we've started and stopped. June is gone, we're a week into July, August is completely booked. I haven't talked to Natasha since the 22nd of June except for the one text I got from her about having already gone into Rainbow. Haven't talked to Caity since then either. Molly and I had a brief text exchange in which I said, "The summer doesn't belong to us anymore" and she said, "Things have changed."

With all the family stuff that's been going on, I've thought briefly about talking to Natasha. I actually went so far as to send her a text the other night to ask if she was up. But I mean, she's got things all sown up with Callie now so what would she need to talk to me for? I'm a broken record after all.

Last Belen and I talked we had a huge fight mostly comprised of her attacking me and me not knowing what to say in response because I never know what to say unless I'm antagonizing her. We worked things out, but only in the sense that we basically agreed to disagree. She's left me some comments, which is obviously not a bad sign, but I can't see how things are going to be much different in the long run unless one of us changes. Which seems unlikely.

Joey leaves in the fall. We hardly ever talk. A part of me thinks that maybe if I had had any kind of sense and we'd never gone out that things would be different and another part thinks that maybe being as close as we were for a little while was the best I could have hope for. Another part says that what's done is done and it doesn't matter much either way now.

Tim is the president of... everything, and was too busy to even be involved of the crumbling of our ragtag gang, although I don't blame him.

Josh Burns has been gone for quite some time, but at one point he also belonged to our odd little bunch.

Joel was very much a circumstantial member and more an addition to Joey's presence than anything else, not because we don't all like him but because he missed out on the time when we all sort of melted together into whatever it is we were.

Shane and Brandon (and Ryan as an extension of Brandon) will be back around once school starts, but other than whatever bon fires or parties that take place before then it's unlikely we'll really do anything this summer. And once school ends again we'll keep in touch by extension, telling so-and-so to tell so-and-so to tell each other hello. If even that.

Lauren will likely be much the same.

Jon is more than likely the same as he started out as and (after his swift detachment during the Significant Other stage) looks to be returning to an extension of Megan (although that appears to also be... stretching).

Flaviona likewise.

Clacel and I talk quite frequently although I'm not sure if we're friends. She certainly knows more about what's been happening recently than a lot of people. It's not that we're not friends its just... Well its more a matter of whether we'll be friends or not once school starts. Again, it's not as if we'll cease to be whatever it is we are now once school starts, its whether we'll associate beyond text messages and kindly harassing each other in classes.

Angel and Megan are two people I'm not really sure what to say about. I've definitely talk to and spent more time with them than anyone else but after looking at the rest of this blog I can't help but to get this transient feeling. I sure Megan's first response to that will be to vehemently defend out future as friends, but she knows as well as I do that no matter your intentions and plans you really can't guarantee the outcome of anything.

I have this feeling that Belen will read this and think again on the conversation we had and what she said to me about my having requirements for people to be friends, and will maybe even think that its horrible that I can summarize things like this and call people extensions of other people. Or maybe she won't think that at all. Maybe she'll even agree.

What it comes down to is that if you consider ever person you're ever involved with your friend, the term friend stops being important because any acquaintance is one. It's not that people aren't your friend, its that calling them that would be sticking a label on them that's not necessarily accurate for the sake of your own ease and compartmentalization.

It doesn't diminish the relationship, its just accepting your honest perception of it.

And life will continue. It will continue to change and differ from expectations and move forward and even on days when it feels like everything has changed so much that nothing could possibly continue, or when things seem like they've slid down hill so much you can't imagine them ever making it back up again, life will continue

with things like weddings, and funerals and yoga classes and movie releases.

It continues whether it has your permission or not.

Dam, time to open the flood gates.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation. Kind of reminded me of Sam and Emily. No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch. I knew what it was like for Leah, having to see that all the time. Having to hear it in Sam's head. Of course we all felt bad for her... But I guess we'd blamed her for how she handled it. Lashing out at everyone, trying to make us all as miserable as she was. I would never blame her again. How could anyone help spreading this kind of misery around? How could anyone not try to ease some of the burden by shoving a little piece of it off on someone else?"

One of the rules about teenage girls that Lipkin gave us when we were reading the Crucible is that girls try and 'break up the cookie' by spreading things around. Like if they get enough people involved in a situation, it will be dispersed and thus less painful. I don't have a whole lot to say about that, but I thought of that rule when I read the last piece of that quote.

As for the first part- the first four sentences really - I do have something to say about.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation...No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch."

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around Callie and Natasha. They're so... together. Couple-y.

They're like puzzle pieces that match up all perfectly, and its not always obvious, but when it is... it is. It's hard to explain though, because they're not like those people who are all over each other (well, sometimes they are, but thats besides the point), it's like... they speak this language that only exists between the two of them, and they have this magnetic pull that keeps them close together, even when they're not touching or even next to each other.

It feels weird because the closest thing I've ever had to that with someone was with Natasha, so seeing how well they fit together is... awkward. But, it's not even about her, it's more... the placeholder of her. She's the human representation of an idea I guess. The embodiment.

That's part of the reason it's so hard to explain, because it really has very little to do with her, but I can't explain it without mentioning her because she's the placeholder in every exemplary situation.

I was thinking yesterday and today about the place on your body that no one else touches, unless you're together, usually. And yeah, you can take that to be anatomically suggestive, but that isn't even what I mean. Think about it- how often do you purposefully come into contact with other human beings through the day? Maybe you hug some people, you might even squeeze someone's hand, but there really isn't a lot of contact outside of the accidental bumps and nudges. When you're not involved with someone, no one sets their hand on your knee, rests their leg or their arm against yours, people don't touch your face, your back, the space where your neck meets your shoulder. All those body parts and untouched spaces seem insignificant until you think about the way we've reserved them for certain situations, certain people. They're not sexual in connotation, or at least they don't have to be, they're just a delicate- yet purposeful- way of physically conveying something intangible.

Lying your arm next to someone else's on an armrest, sleeping on someone's shoulder, resting your head in their lap... you can't share that with everyone. You have to be comfortable. Both of you. Most people don't recognize those moments, don't realize how significant they are. Most people take it for granted.

It's not granted. You miss it when its gone, even if you can't put your finger on exactly what it is you miss. You get envious even when you know you shouldn't and you try your hardest not to be.

So appreciate it. Even when it's fleeting.

9 hours and 18 minutes until I leave my house for a week

I think privately following blogs is creepy

Also, I mention things to people that I read in the blogs all the time

I think I freak Clacel out when I do it

I never thought it was weird until Angel said Jon asked when we were doing pictures and I said, "You told him?" and she said, "No. You didn't?"

given that this is the only other place I mentioned it, I assume that's where he got it from

Hi Jon.

I need to finish packing a go to bed. 

Natasha is picking me up at 6 AM

First I was kind of irritated/disappointed that she's just picking me up in the morning instead of me staying over their tonight, but now I'm glad because this is the last time I'll be in my house for a week, and may be the last time I'm in my house alone for a continuous amount of time for a while

1 way 2 say 4 word - that song is bad

Kariza asked me today if I was going to the ROTC banquet tomorrow night. I told her no, I hadn't been invited, and she made just about the most surprised face I've ever seen.

"She didn't invite you?"

It didn't really seem odd until I thought about it after that. I don't know if Natasha has ever really invited me to anything. 

That makes me think of... well... a while ago.

I wanted to get together with Molly tonight, but she's at stamp club and I don't know if my mom will let me go out later. I need to move around. 

I keep thinking about last night, and the fact that I don't like people seeing me when I'm in bad shape- all bruised and battered for no apparent reason.

Figuratively. Figuratively bruised and battered. Last thing I need is someone freaking out thinking I'm abused. 

I make friends with people who don't want to be seem when they're not at the top of their game, so we all hide from each other when what we really need is to just let someone in and so we're all together and all alone. 

I need a sense of balance. I don't know how to moderately care about someone. Be moderate friends with them. It somehow turns into an all or nothing thing. 

Like- I can't stand not knowing where I stand with people. I would rather that people dislike me than they float around in unidentifiability. 

Its why I couldn't be friends with Devon, or Chase

Okay- so there were other reasons why I couldn't be friends with them, but the culmination was that I couldn't take not knowing where I stood with them. 

Just for kicks, while Devon is fresh in the brain

Natasha said the other day that Callie is kind of like Devon, and that it makes sense because she always had such a strong connection with Devon but things never quite... matched up right. 

Which was kind of hard to hear. It shouldn't have been. But a lot of things shouldn't be. 

I don't know where my head is. Actually, maybe I don't know where my heart is and so attempts to find it just get my head lost

Things I'd like to say:

1. I'm sorry. I'm not really being fair. I just don't know how else to be. I hope you know what I'm talking about.

2. I'm worried about you. I worry about you a lot. 

3. I miss you. 

4. I want to hold your hand. 

5. I'm going to miss you soo soo soo much. Sometimes it feels like you're hardly a part of my life, and yet I still feel like I'll have no idea what to do without you around. 

It's cold in here.

I need to stop brooding. 

Someone tell me something funny.

-Have a good night.

Bad Ass Blogger

I can get to blogger from school.

This has got to be too good to be true. 

Or maybe it's not. 

I talked to Natasha on the phone this morning about events as of late, and when I got to school I couldn't stop thinking about it- it was really bothering me. Angel and I walked around for a while though, which made it easier to not think about it so much. She told me about Star Trek- which she loved.

She was reading over my shoulder before, but now I think she's stopped. Yep. Just me now. 

I know Natasha was right of course, and that by extension Molly was right, as much as I hate to say that Molly is right when I have to hear what it is she's right about through second hand knowledge. 

Thus, I've resolved to move on. I feel weird about it though. Not the moving on, but the fact that I've decided that I'm going to- so I will. It doesn't seem like the sort of thing you should be able to just do. But then I guess the fact that I can just say, "Yeah, this isn't working, I'm gonna do things differently-" is a sign that things were really right to start with. 

I could actually sit here and write a lot more, because I have more to say- but I'm afraid that I'm gonna get in trouble or something, and lose my blogger privileges. 

Meh.

I don't use tags any more- maybe I should.

I hope Megan is at school- I don't want to drive home by myself today.

Jetpuff.

I don't understand my own feelings.

I guess a lot of people don't, but it's like.... even when I stop feeling something, I never really stop feeling it. There are always those phantom feelings. So does that mean I haven't really stopped feeling it? Or is it always like that?

Take McDreamy, for instance- 

we're on good terms. Really good terms. I am all around pleased with how things stand with McDreamy, and would not do anything to change it. But if McDreamy suggested a change, said - Hey, let's mix it up a little - I would do it in a heartbeat. I guess that could be considered me just being passive aggressive, but it's not like I sit around waiting, I didn't even really think about it until lately. It's odd. 

And then there's the Dearest, who I'm just incredibly attached to for no apparent reason. 

It's weird! 

I don't think it's supposed to be like that. You should feel something, or not feel something. I mean, I get being confused at first, but shouldn't you know after a while one way or the other? It seems like the more time passes, the less I know. 

Belen always uses peoples names in her blog. I always feel silly for not using people's names. But at the same time, I like feeling like I have a little control. I like the idea of publishing things for anyone to see, but at the same time, there's only so much I want to put out of myself and my life at one time (and that's ignoring safety implications). I always hated writing in journals, but I've always liked blogs. I guess when I write things, I want people to see them.

I always tell people to commit to their ideas, but unless I'm giving a presentation- I don't. 

In other news, I got invited to a Gay Pride Parade this weekend. It's... well it's weird. We'll see. 

Also, figured out Natasha birthday gift.

and then there is Friday at 3:30

Things are... good. 

Listening to: 

The Silence of Jet Planes

(I just made that up. Sounds cool though, right?)

Lyrics and More

Lyrics of the Day:

One by one, the days fall beside us like yellow leaves We have no conscience Oh, what we're becoming  Month by month, the rings on our tree trunks, like old wise eyes, grow wider and winter lends them a dead disguise  Now time- like an ocean knows tide - like a notion to toss about the house and lose inside the couch And piles of our thoughts run miles in the dark just tryin to get home  Age by age, we rhyme with our seasons' rehearsed routines Still turning and returning  Now I'm wide as the ocean Now I bleed roses And you are just a mark on the map of my past But I am a road I wind along alone all day until the coast

is it weird that sometimes I still get nervous when I see you?

I'm just a little bit fascinated by you. It's weird. I look at you, and sometimes I just want to keep looking until I can't any more. 

God that sounds creepy. 

I'm a really touch oriented person. Like... if I don't come into contact with people, I don't feel real. I'm constantly poking at Natasha, or 'accidentally' bumping into people, or even just adjust my foot a little so that our shoes touch. I like contact. 

I heard once that hugging releases some of the pull of gravity on two bodies- it's as close as we can get to floating. Isn't that amazing? 

Imani and Belen came to see the show today. It made me so happy. 

Lipkin and Karvenz came last night, that was cool too. Bee came. Man, I haven't seen her forever. She doesn't even know about me. Or maybe she does. I don't know. I don't even know who knows. People that I think don't know do, and people I think know don't. 

The show is over. I'm so glad. So so so glad. I'm just... tired. I wish I had one more day before going back to school, to recuperate from spring break. But actually, school won't be bad. I have Rainbow to look forward throughout the day. I can always relax there. 

Natasha told me I should go to Boston U with her and Callie. It's funny, cause when I started looking at BU I thought she would be annoyed and think that I was only doing it because she was. She's weird about stuff like that. I'd love to go to school with her. 

She says her and Callie are gonna get married in 6 years. They've apparently discussed this, got it all planned out. That makes me happy. It also makes me a little sad, because time passes so quickly. We've changed so much. There are so many things that are the same, and so many things that are completely and totally different from the way things used to be. 

She has her seventeenth birthday coming up. I have to figure out what I'm going to get her. It has to be something good. Something really good. Gifts are like... my thing. I always know what to get the people that really matter. But I just haven't thought of anything yet. I want it to be something meaningful, but I always want it to be... hopeful and happy. Maybe something about the way things have changed, and the way they've stayed the same, in all the good ways. 

I found my ipod, it was in the ONE pocket of my purse.

I should shower and then go to sleep. 

My thoughts are so scattered. 

Goodnight.  

"Is golf a year round sport?"

There has got to be something wrong with my brain. 

I got in the car tonight to come home from Rainbow and I just felt... empty. I want to fill the void with music, so I stop in the middle of the parking lot to dig through my bag to find my ipod... and can't find it. Hopefully it's there and I just missed it, or I put it somewhere else. Otherwise I'm gonna freak. Anyway-

Can't find it, so I turn on the radio. It doesn't help. In fact, it made it worse. I want someone's presence. I call Natasha (not really a good idea while driving on the freeway), put the phone on speaker, but she's already on the phone, so she can't talk. I think she was a little pissed that I called her (because I had called her after she first left to tell her that she didn't say bye to me and that that is rude), which makes me a little... sad. I was going to try calling Molly but then... I didn't. I love Molly, but sometimes it hurts. 

Anyway

I called Belen. But then we couldn't hear each other, and after like ten minutes of both of us talking but not being able to hear the other one, we hung up. I sung to myself the rest of the way instead of crying, but I could only remember some of the words to the song so I mostly repeated myself. 

I get into my driveway and I text Megan to see if she's working, and she's not, which means I could have driven over to here house and talked to her, which I had wanted to do, but... I don't know. It didn't... feel right. So I call my mom and ask her to come out to the car and asked her if she would drive around with me for a while, because driving gives me something to concentrate on, but it's lonely. She did. But... it wasn't what I wanted either. 

I did feel a little better after I drove for a while. I came home, ate some dinner, now I'm here. I'm exhausted, I have a DBQ that I haven't started because I forgot I had it until I saw it this morning, a chem. project I could be working on, set design stuff.... but here I am... writing this blog about a ton of things that probably don't make any sense.

If you wanna rock, you rock

Maybe...
Maybe I jump to things too quickly.
Maybe I make decisions one way or the other before I really have time to know.

Kind of like... Well, I'll use an actual example instead of going all metaphorical
A few weeks, months, whatever ago, I totally wrote off Clacel
but I started talking to her the other day, and she's just way different than I thought
maybe if I hadn't been in such a hurry to put her inside a box and attach my little check mark for categorized, I would have actually talked to her sooner and found out that she's really a cool person- and maybe not so different from me, at least in some ways.

Everything always has to have a category, and place for it to belong where I can know what it is and what it is not and so on and so forth. 

Maybe I rush into things in order to get them into a category. 

Maybe that messes things up

Maybe if I hadn't been so unnerved by Natasha being in limbo a while back, thing would be different. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying I want things to be different, but who knows, maybe they would be. 

Sarah Dessen has females characters who always have problems like that, and they have some revelation of what they're doing, and with some work, they stop. 

The thing is, I don't need a revelation, I already know, I just... don't know how to stop.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not a bad thing at all, and this rationalization is just a defense mechanism, a way to make things that are nonsensical seem to make sense. 

Insanity- right?

In other news: Five more shows left. There's still time for you to come and see me be an asian princess.

Choose A Fucking Snack Food

I'm having a little shin dig at my house tonight, and Natasha is bringing Callie, and I'm basically out of food, so I send Natasha text asking her what I should buy at the store

she sends me this super long list of random things like cottage cheese, and go-gurt, canned pineapple, Swedish fish, a cupcake cake, angel food cake, Top Ramen, pop-tarts. 

Nothing we would actually eat.

My mom wanted me to pick some things up for dinner to.

So I walk to the store, get my stuff, and I'm walking home- it's not until I'm half-way back, talking to Natasha, that I realize that I spent so much time looking for stupid things to buy off of the random list she sent me that I didn't actually buy any food (or drinks) that we'll eat. 

Unless we take to eating canned pineapple. 

She's gonna pick stuff up on her way over here, so it doesn't really matter that I didn't buy a single thing I went to the store for (I did buy my mom's stuff, though), but it just seemed... kind of like an a really odd symbol of the kind of relationship Natasha and I have. 

Sentimental bullshit.

A pelican who circles flames instead of water

I feel a little... friendless. Not lonely just alone. Which is sometimes good, being alone but not lonely. It's not bad now, per se, it's just... I don't know what it is. 

We're doing a bon-fire at my house tonight, which is something we do on a pretty regular basis. The last time we did one, a couple of weeks ago, Natasha and Jordan and Molly came over and we had a grand old time. 

So I sent Natasha a text this morning to invite her, but she already has plans with Callie and her family. Which is fine, because I'm sure they made this plan before and Callie is her girlfriend and stuff like that is important.  I just wish that her and Callie being together didn't mean they're together every single chance it is conceivably possible. I want to be able to talk to my friend for more than just the 20 minutes it takes for her to give me a ride home, and if that's all the time I get I don't want to spent 12 of those minutes talking about her and Callie. It's not that I don't want to talk about those things, it's that I hardly ever actually get to talk to the one person who seems to always get stuff, about the things that I need someone to get. 

I don't know if Molly and I can hang out and have anything to talk about

 other than Joey nonsense. Which is as much my fault as hers. Maybe even more my fault than hers. I just... have a hard time accepting all the nonsense. Sometimes it's harder for people on the outside to let go of things than it is for people on the inside. I guess I still don't feel like I know how to talk to Molly without other people around that I can deflect the conversation onto if I feel like its necessary. She may not even want to talk to me.

 Angel is upset with me. I wasn't thinking, and I made an offhanded comment that upset her. I couldn't figure out why, until she pointed it out. It was one of those things where you're really saying something for yourself, but you say it to someone else and as soon as you say something to someone else, they take it as you saying it for them because you said it to them. I want to apologize again for not thinking, but sometimes I try to fix things too much and end up making them worse. Maybe she's not even mad any more. But she's been sick the last three days, and I don't want to bother her. 

I haven't actually had a conversation with Belen in... I don't know how long. We sat together at lunch for a little while on Thursday and had pleasant conversation, which was really nice. But other why's we're about as clued into each others lives as people who pass each other on the side walk. That's not really true, because I still read her blog, but that doesn't really count as being clued in because anyone can read those blogs. I wonder if she's gotten her tattoo yet. Megan thought maybe that was why she wasn't at school yesterday. 

Your Grey's Quote for the Day:

Practicing medicine doesn't lend itself to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday, we're forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person, we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don't bother making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line. To push each loss as far away as we can. 

You have to fight for your right... to fight?

I just posted a blog. Lyrics. That was supposed to be enough; ambiguous, but symbolic. 

And yet here I am, unable to contain myself. I feel.... like I'm going to burst. 

I wanted to talk to Natasha last night when I woke up at 1:00, but she didn't answer my text, so I started talking to Molly about this whole Joey-Prom-Debacle, only to find out that she couldn't really talk, because she was out with Natasha. Which just ate at me- the fact that I couldn't talk to either of the people I wanted to, because they were with each other. I thought about calling Angel, but then realized the only thing I could think of to talk about with her was all the things I've missed while I've been gone, and I didn't want to hear about that. 

This three hour time difference is really getting to me. 

I ended up talking to Joey for a bit. I've officially resigned myself to stay out from the middle of him and Molly. Because they're my friends, and I want them to be happy, and I think they could be happy with each other, I keep playing the go-between, and it's not working. They're whole problem is that neither one will really talk to the other one about anything that really matters. So I've been trying to do it. And it's a disservice to them. And me. 

I am, after all, the one who keeps saying if you always do something for someone, why would they ever do it for themselves?

They're going to the beach. I don't want to go to the beach, but I don't want to stay here all by myself. 

No one at home has school, which should make this the perfect opportunity for me to talk to the people I've been wanting to talk to, but it's only 7 at home, which means that more than likely no one is even awake. 

I feel like the only thing keeping me tied to Vegas is Rainbow. I love it there, I don't want to leave it. But at the same time, knowing that next year I'm going to have to anyway- it hardly seems like reason enough to stay. 

I guess part of it has to do with the fact that whether I move this summer or not, I'm gonna be moving for college in a year anyway. Anyone that I'm really going to stay friends with after graduation is someone that I would stay friends with even if I moved now. 

The only thing even keeping me remotely attached to school for next year is Modern Lit. Not because Northwest is a bad school - because it's really not- I'm just not cut out for typical high school, and when it comes down to it, that's what it is- a typical high school. 

I'm such a different person when I'm away from the regular day-to-day routine I have at home. I don't want to go back. I don't like the person I am there. The person I am when I'm away doesn't fit into that mold. Doesn't work in the suffocating 6 hour school days being taught the same thing over and over again with the same types of people all just repeating everything they've ever done- parroting it all back. I don't want to be one of those people. But that's what I am when I'm there- a perpetually repeating parrot. 

it all makes me feel... sick to my stomach. 

That's probably... extreme, but it's one of those karmic death circles that once you get sucked in, you have to see the bleak side of it all. Extreme, but not necessarily untrue. 

I just.... need something new.

You're it.

Guess who got a call back for the lead role of a show?

little ol' me :]


We shall find out tomorrow as to the outcome
even if I don't get cast, I'll still be really happy that I got a call back at all, and I can still set design like I was planning to
who knows, I could not get cast as the Shadow Princess (which is what/one of the things I was called back for), but be cast as something else

it's nice to know you can be happy with something no matter how it turns out.


Went to see Clue and Faith Lutheran tonight, it was great. Timothy Heidorn is fantastic :]
Him and Shannon are so cute- I hope he stops being weird about the two of them dating. None of my business though, I suppose.

Faced an interesting question this evening
Me: *Filler conversation because Shannon and I are stuck at the end of the row, cut off from everyone else*
Shannon: So do you have a boyfriend or anything?
Me: No..
Shannon: Why?
Me: Well... *Thought*

Saved by Natasha trying to incorporate us into a conversation.
One day I'll actually have to answer that question.
I'm gonna try not to think about it thought- not as a way of avoiding it, but as a way of not planning out some long drawn out answer to a question that I can answer pretty simply.

Also, tags are fun. I like them.