Half-Blood Blogger

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way things change over time. I've talked a lot about it to. But it doesn't stop being strange. It doesn't stop being both incredibly comforting and horrendously unnerving that life goes on whether you're ready for it to or not.

A few months ago Lipkin said to me, "You're only going to stay friends with three people after high school, you're just hoping its the same friends you have now."

I have supposed to make a movie this summer with Molly and Natasha and Caity and Shannin. I really wanted to make this one happen. Wanted to see it through unlike all the other projects we've started and stopped. June is gone, we're a week into July, August is completely booked. I haven't talked to Natasha since the 22nd of June except for the one text I got from her about having already gone into Rainbow. Haven't talked to Caity since then either. Molly and I had a brief text exchange in which I said, "The summer doesn't belong to us anymore" and she said, "Things have changed."

With all the family stuff that's been going on, I've thought briefly about talking to Natasha. I actually went so far as to send her a text the other night to ask if she was up. But I mean, she's got things all sown up with Callie now so what would she need to talk to me for? I'm a broken record after all.

Last Belen and I talked we had a huge fight mostly comprised of her attacking me and me not knowing what to say in response because I never know what to say unless I'm antagonizing her. We worked things out, but only in the sense that we basically agreed to disagree. She's left me some comments, which is obviously not a bad sign, but I can't see how things are going to be much different in the long run unless one of us changes. Which seems unlikely.

Joey leaves in the fall. We hardly ever talk. A part of me thinks that maybe if I had had any kind of sense and we'd never gone out that things would be different and another part thinks that maybe being as close as we were for a little while was the best I could have hope for. Another part says that what's done is done and it doesn't matter much either way now.

Tim is the president of... everything, and was too busy to even be involved of the crumbling of our ragtag gang, although I don't blame him.

Josh Burns has been gone for quite some time, but at one point he also belonged to our odd little bunch.

Joel was very much a circumstantial member and more an addition to Joey's presence than anything else, not because we don't all like him but because he missed out on the time when we all sort of melted together into whatever it is we were.

Shane and Brandon (and Ryan as an extension of Brandon) will be back around once school starts, but other than whatever bon fires or parties that take place before then it's unlikely we'll really do anything this summer. And once school ends again we'll keep in touch by extension, telling so-and-so to tell so-and-so to tell each other hello. If even that.

Lauren will likely be much the same.

Jon is more than likely the same as he started out as and (after his swift detachment during the Significant Other stage) looks to be returning to an extension of Megan (although that appears to also be... stretching).

Flaviona likewise.

Clacel and I talk quite frequently although I'm not sure if we're friends. She certainly knows more about what's been happening recently than a lot of people. It's not that we're not friends its just... Well its more a matter of whether we'll be friends or not once school starts. Again, it's not as if we'll cease to be whatever it is we are now once school starts, its whether we'll associate beyond text messages and kindly harassing each other in classes.

Angel and Megan are two people I'm not really sure what to say about. I've definitely talk to and spent more time with them than anyone else but after looking at the rest of this blog I can't help but to get this transient feeling. I sure Megan's first response to that will be to vehemently defend out future as friends, but she knows as well as I do that no matter your intentions and plans you really can't guarantee the outcome of anything.

I have this feeling that Belen will read this and think again on the conversation we had and what she said to me about my having requirements for people to be friends, and will maybe even think that its horrible that I can summarize things like this and call people extensions of other people. Or maybe she won't think that at all. Maybe she'll even agree.

What it comes down to is that if you consider ever person you're ever involved with your friend, the term friend stops being important because any acquaintance is one. It's not that people aren't your friend, its that calling them that would be sticking a label on them that's not necessarily accurate for the sake of your own ease and compartmentalization.

It doesn't diminish the relationship, its just accepting your honest perception of it.

And life will continue. It will continue to change and differ from expectations and move forward and even on days when it feels like everything has changed so much that nothing could possibly continue, or when things seem like they've slid down hill so much you can't imagine them ever making it back up again, life will continue

with things like weddings, and funerals and yoga classes and movie releases.

It continues whether it has your permission or not.

Dam, time to open the flood gates.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation. Kind of reminded me of Sam and Emily. No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch. I knew what it was like for Leah, having to see that all the time. Having to hear it in Sam's head. Of course we all felt bad for her... But I guess we'd blamed her for how she handled it. Lashing out at everyone, trying to make us all as miserable as she was. I would never blame her again. How could anyone help spreading this kind of misery around? How could anyone not try to ease some of the burden by shoving a little piece of it off on someone else?"

One of the rules about teenage girls that Lipkin gave us when we were reading the Crucible is that girls try and 'break up the cookie' by spreading things around. Like if they get enough people involved in a situation, it will be dispersed and thus less painful. I don't have a whole lot to say about that, but I thought of that rule when I read the last piece of that quote.

As for the first part- the first four sentences really - I do have something to say about.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation...No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch."

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around Callie and Natasha. They're so... together. Couple-y.

They're like puzzle pieces that match up all perfectly, and its not always obvious, but when it is... it is. It's hard to explain though, because they're not like those people who are all over each other (well, sometimes they are, but thats besides the point), it's like... they speak this language that only exists between the two of them, and they have this magnetic pull that keeps them close together, even when they're not touching or even next to each other.

It feels weird because the closest thing I've ever had to that with someone was with Natasha, so seeing how well they fit together is... awkward. But, it's not even about her, it's more... the placeholder of her. She's the human representation of an idea I guess. The embodiment.

That's part of the reason it's so hard to explain, because it really has very little to do with her, but I can't explain it without mentioning her because she's the placeholder in every exemplary situation.

I was thinking yesterday and today about the place on your body that no one else touches, unless you're together, usually. And yeah, you can take that to be anatomically suggestive, but that isn't even what I mean. Think about it- how often do you purposefully come into contact with other human beings through the day? Maybe you hug some people, you might even squeeze someone's hand, but there really isn't a lot of contact outside of the accidental bumps and nudges. When you're not involved with someone, no one sets their hand on your knee, rests their leg or their arm against yours, people don't touch your face, your back, the space where your neck meets your shoulder. All those body parts and untouched spaces seem insignificant until you think about the way we've reserved them for certain situations, certain people. They're not sexual in connotation, or at least they don't have to be, they're just a delicate- yet purposeful- way of physically conveying something intangible.

Lying your arm next to someone else's on an armrest, sleeping on someone's shoulder, resting your head in their lap... you can't share that with everyone. You have to be comfortable. Both of you. Most people don't recognize those moments, don't realize how significant they are. Most people take it for granted.

It's not granted. You miss it when its gone, even if you can't put your finger on exactly what it is you miss. You get envious even when you know you shouldn't and you try your hardest not to be.

So appreciate it. Even when it's fleeting.

Lyrics and More

Lyrics of the Day:

One by one, the days fall beside us like yellow leaves We have no conscience Oh, what we're becoming  Month by month, the rings on our tree trunks, like old wise eyes, grow wider and winter lends them a dead disguise  Now time- like an ocean knows tide - like a notion to toss about the house and lose inside the couch And piles of our thoughts run miles in the dark just tryin to get home  Age by age, we rhyme with our seasons' rehearsed routines Still turning and returning  Now I'm wide as the ocean Now I bleed roses And you are just a mark on the map of my past But I am a road I wind along alone all day until the coast

is it weird that sometimes I still get nervous when I see you?

I'm just a little bit fascinated by you. It's weird. I look at you, and sometimes I just want to keep looking until I can't any more. 

God that sounds creepy. 

I'm a really touch oriented person. Like... if I don't come into contact with people, I don't feel real. I'm constantly poking at Natasha, or 'accidentally' bumping into people, or even just adjust my foot a little so that our shoes touch. I like contact. 

I heard once that hugging releases some of the pull of gravity on two bodies- it's as close as we can get to floating. Isn't that amazing? 

Imani and Belen came to see the show today. It made me so happy. 

Lipkin and Karvenz came last night, that was cool too. Bee came. Man, I haven't seen her forever. She doesn't even know about me. Or maybe she does. I don't know. I don't even know who knows. People that I think don't know do, and people I think know don't. 

The show is over. I'm so glad. So so so glad. I'm just... tired. I wish I had one more day before going back to school, to recuperate from spring break. But actually, school won't be bad. I have Rainbow to look forward throughout the day. I can always relax there. 

Natasha told me I should go to Boston U with her and Callie. It's funny, cause when I started looking at BU I thought she would be annoyed and think that I was only doing it because she was. She's weird about stuff like that. I'd love to go to school with her. 

She says her and Callie are gonna get married in 6 years. They've apparently discussed this, got it all planned out. That makes me happy. It also makes me a little sad, because time passes so quickly. We've changed so much. There are so many things that are the same, and so many things that are completely and totally different from the way things used to be. 

She has her seventeenth birthday coming up. I have to figure out what I'm going to get her. It has to be something good. Something really good. Gifts are like... my thing. I always know what to get the people that really matter. But I just haven't thought of anything yet. I want it to be something meaningful, but I always want it to be... hopeful and happy. Maybe something about the way things have changed, and the way they've stayed the same, in all the good ways. 

I found my ipod, it was in the ONE pocket of my purse.

I should shower and then go to sleep. 

My thoughts are so scattered. 

Goodnight.