Half-Blood Blogger

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way things change over time. I've talked a lot about it to. But it doesn't stop being strange. It doesn't stop being both incredibly comforting and horrendously unnerving that life goes on whether you're ready for it to or not.

A few months ago Lipkin said to me, "You're only going to stay friends with three people after high school, you're just hoping its the same friends you have now."

I have supposed to make a movie this summer with Molly and Natasha and Caity and Shannin. I really wanted to make this one happen. Wanted to see it through unlike all the other projects we've started and stopped. June is gone, we're a week into July, August is completely booked. I haven't talked to Natasha since the 22nd of June except for the one text I got from her about having already gone into Rainbow. Haven't talked to Caity since then either. Molly and I had a brief text exchange in which I said, "The summer doesn't belong to us anymore" and she said, "Things have changed."

With all the family stuff that's been going on, I've thought briefly about talking to Natasha. I actually went so far as to send her a text the other night to ask if she was up. But I mean, she's got things all sown up with Callie now so what would she need to talk to me for? I'm a broken record after all.

Last Belen and I talked we had a huge fight mostly comprised of her attacking me and me not knowing what to say in response because I never know what to say unless I'm antagonizing her. We worked things out, but only in the sense that we basically agreed to disagree. She's left me some comments, which is obviously not a bad sign, but I can't see how things are going to be much different in the long run unless one of us changes. Which seems unlikely.

Joey leaves in the fall. We hardly ever talk. A part of me thinks that maybe if I had had any kind of sense and we'd never gone out that things would be different and another part thinks that maybe being as close as we were for a little while was the best I could have hope for. Another part says that what's done is done and it doesn't matter much either way now.

Tim is the president of... everything, and was too busy to even be involved of the crumbling of our ragtag gang, although I don't blame him.

Josh Burns has been gone for quite some time, but at one point he also belonged to our odd little bunch.

Joel was very much a circumstantial member and more an addition to Joey's presence than anything else, not because we don't all like him but because he missed out on the time when we all sort of melted together into whatever it is we were.

Shane and Brandon (and Ryan as an extension of Brandon) will be back around once school starts, but other than whatever bon fires or parties that take place before then it's unlikely we'll really do anything this summer. And once school ends again we'll keep in touch by extension, telling so-and-so to tell so-and-so to tell each other hello. If even that.

Lauren will likely be much the same.

Jon is more than likely the same as he started out as and (after his swift detachment during the Significant Other stage) looks to be returning to an extension of Megan (although that appears to also be... stretching).

Flaviona likewise.

Clacel and I talk quite frequently although I'm not sure if we're friends. She certainly knows more about what's been happening recently than a lot of people. It's not that we're not friends its just... Well its more a matter of whether we'll be friends or not once school starts. Again, it's not as if we'll cease to be whatever it is we are now once school starts, its whether we'll associate beyond text messages and kindly harassing each other in classes.

Angel and Megan are two people I'm not really sure what to say about. I've definitely talk to and spent more time with them than anyone else but after looking at the rest of this blog I can't help but to get this transient feeling. I sure Megan's first response to that will be to vehemently defend out future as friends, but she knows as well as I do that no matter your intentions and plans you really can't guarantee the outcome of anything.

I have this feeling that Belen will read this and think again on the conversation we had and what she said to me about my having requirements for people to be friends, and will maybe even think that its horrible that I can summarize things like this and call people extensions of other people. Or maybe she won't think that at all. Maybe she'll even agree.

What it comes down to is that if you consider ever person you're ever involved with your friend, the term friend stops being important because any acquaintance is one. It's not that people aren't your friend, its that calling them that would be sticking a label on them that's not necessarily accurate for the sake of your own ease and compartmentalization.

It doesn't diminish the relationship, its just accepting your honest perception of it.

And life will continue. It will continue to change and differ from expectations and move forward and even on days when it feels like everything has changed so much that nothing could possibly continue, or when things seem like they've slid down hill so much you can't imagine them ever making it back up again, life will continue

with things like weddings, and funerals and yoga classes and movie releases.

It continues whether it has your permission or not.

Things that make you go 'Huhmm'

Today I wanted to go out. I could even get the car. I probably still could. I was even willing to drive to great lengths to taxi whoever else was part of this 'going out'

only

I didn't want to go with any of my usual friends.

Well, that's not quite right. If they had asked me to do something, I would have said yes, but I was feeling like... everyone I know either knows me too well, or thinks they know me too well and I just wanted to be around someone with a limited knowledge I guess.

No such luck.

I was right about Brendan and Rachell- they are going out. It's funny though that they didn't get together until after they put an ocean between themselves.

Belen's blog is invite only now.

I think I've overcome the need to worry about not engaging now.

I was writing earlier. It was going well. But I stopped because I need a name. Madison isn't working for me. Only, now I'm here.

I feel like I'll have more to say later, so on that note:

Go do something productive. Maybe read a book.

Megan Becerra is my best friend for the after life.

I watched the Uninvited tonight. Big change for me.

I'm just mixing it up all over the place this summer, what with all this not engaging and telling people no (okay, still working on that one).

I'm even supposed to go with Belen to a party this week.

I'm just a regular old tycoon.

Even making some money this summer.

Big changes for me alright. Oh yeah.

Curve the Bullet.

I've got a lot of a fragments of a lot of blogs inside my head

• You know, you sound really ignorant when you say things like, "that's gay" or "you're a fag" - way to demonstrate how little our youth has learned and how lacking our vocabulary is.
• I love yoga. We do this thing called brain wave vibration where there's music on, sometimes this weird korean pop-y stuff, but usually drumming- especially African tribal stuff, and everyone closes their eyes ad you just dance and move and let go of everything. You just allow yourself to exist. Today at yoga I started thinking about Belen, and this blog, and the fact that I haven't signed her yearbook, and what I would write in it and... then I let it all go and just moved faster. Let go. Faster than your thoughts.
• When my sister was little, she cut her lips and tongue with scissors. Three or Four times. "No Kaity, don't do that. Stop playing with the scissors. Pay attention. You're going to cut yourself." I guess she has to cut herself open a few times before she'll stop doing it. Literally and figuratively. I wish she didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to witness it.
• My mom keeps talking to me about my sister and saying how she's just a lot like my dad, she 'likes to push the envelope' and 'see what she can get away with' and she always says that I'm more like her (my mom). She says we don't like to break the rules and we do what we're told. She always says, "I don't know if that's good or bad." I get really upset when she says that. I'm not missing out on anything. I'm not holding myself back from things I want to do. I think doing things just to see what will happen is stupid. If she feels like she's missing out, then fine, but don't drag me into that. Don't put me down because I don't touch an iron just to see if its hot, or because you feel like you're missing out.
• My mom tells me about the fights she has with my dad. I'm trying to find a good way to tell her that I think she needs to find someone else to talk to because I have a hard enough time with my dad without hearing about the fights they have and all their problems.
• It's really irritating when two people are talking to you, and talking to each other, and telling you what the other ones says instead of each person just telling you themselves.
• You are not trying. I've tried. I've tried because you said you wanted to try. I'm pretty sure I'm done trying.
• I'm not judging you when I tell you I don't like things you do, I'm trying to be someone who will give you some perspective, someone who doesn't just do what everyone else does. But I get that you don't like it, and that its probably best to just not say anything.
• I hope you know I'm talking to you.
• I feel like breaking something. I bought shot glasses at the 99 cent store just so I could break them. That was back when my grandpa was stick, and my aunt was visiting. I haven't broken a single one yet.
• I want to talk to a real person instead of writing this blog.
• The other day, I got a little bit scared about graduating and moving on from high school, which is new for more.
• If we can't even keep in touch over the summer, we won't keep in touch in the future.
• It's been... a weird night.
• Goodnight.

"Brandon, will you light my mellow on fire?"

I was going to post a myspace bulletin about tonight, but then I was like, "That's stupid, I can just post it on my blog" 

but then I came to blogger and instead of just posting it I read the latest blog updates

cause that's what I usually do

but I shouldn't have

even if my buzz was totally just killed, tonight was still fantastic. 

We played GAWWWD. Which is actually called something like The Truth Game, or something, but Angel renamed it for Joey and I.

You anonymously ask a person a question and they anonymously answer.

It's hard to explain.

So hilarious. 

It mostly didn't stay anonymous.

Question: Which girl in the circle are you most attracted to?

Spencer: Uh... Ryan. 

Joey and Kelsey are just about the cutest thing ever. I'm glad.

Jen came to. I'm glad. I've missed her. 

"Does anyone want water?"

Everyone says they want water.

"Maybe I should just go get the pitcher and pour it in everyones mouth. Unless someone wants to help me..."

"No, I wanna see you pour it in everyones mouth."

Jen gets pitcher of water. Brandon runs. Jen pours water into Spencer's mouth. And onto his crotch (that word is crude... I need a replacement). Water fight ensues.

We proceed to make jokes about Jen getting Spencer wet. 

Shane came, which is kind of unusual cause he agrees to stuff and then doesn't show up. Megan and I figured he actually planned to come when he asked for my address though. 

Imani didn't come. I had hoped she would, mostly so we could ask her to bring more fire wood.

Belen didn't show. I kind of expected that, but I hoped I'd be wrong. 

Jon didn't get off work until 11, so it didn't make sense for him to come by. And is now apparently glad he didn't come... *eyeroll* 

No Clacel either. 

Angel and I are recounting the evening via IM now

Chelsee Bergen

but tonight was perfect, so I wouldn't have had it any other way

Now state lines is like a Berlin wall and there was no doubt about which side I was on

It breaks my fucking heart that we've been reduced to communicating via blog

I don't say things like, 'it breaks my heart' or 'it kills me' or 'pain in the ass' because next thing you know you end up having a heart attack, or with some sort of literal pain in your ass, but I can't find any other way to describe it

what are we doing? 

Sometimes it feels like I'm not going anywhere, and then I step back and look at the progress I'm making and I realize that I am moving in a distinguishable direction and its where I want to go, I just don't seem to be taking the rest of my relationships with me...

But these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one to tell them to

"just one word, one text, one sentence.. can change the whole mood of your day."

I wish I knew who actually read this thing. I mean, I guess that's the way it works when you put things on the internet, you don't know who is seeing it, but... I wish I knew.

You know, today in Chemistry Clacel said to me, "You and Belen are (super close), right?" and I said, "we used to be, and now we're still friends." And she asked why. And I told her. And I actually told the truth. With words even, without any writing or hints or ambiguities. That's... big for me. Big in a small way. Still. An accomplishment. 

I got a 114 on my Chem. test, and tied for the highest grade on my AP test.

I got my homework done for tomorrow.

I'm working on my history review and slowly but surely making progress

"Then... boom. It hits you like a truck... and you get that weird feeling in your gut."

I can't believe it's been four years. How is that even possible?

I feel like... I've changed so much, everything has changed so much, and yet it hasn't changed at all. 

I just....

I need to stop saying yes to questions I'm not being asked. 

The Grey's Anatomy character for May is Yang.

How ironic.

Jetpuff.

I don't understand my own feelings.

I guess a lot of people don't, but it's like.... even when I stop feeling something, I never really stop feeling it. There are always those phantom feelings. So does that mean I haven't really stopped feeling it? Or is it always like that?

Take McDreamy, for instance- 

we're on good terms. Really good terms. I am all around pleased with how things stand with McDreamy, and would not do anything to change it. But if McDreamy suggested a change, said - Hey, let's mix it up a little - I would do it in a heartbeat. I guess that could be considered me just being passive aggressive, but it's not like I sit around waiting, I didn't even really think about it until lately. It's odd. 

And then there's the Dearest, who I'm just incredibly attached to for no apparent reason. 

It's weird! 

I don't think it's supposed to be like that. You should feel something, or not feel something. I mean, I get being confused at first, but shouldn't you know after a while one way or the other? It seems like the more time passes, the less I know. 

Belen always uses peoples names in her blog. I always feel silly for not using people's names. But at the same time, I like feeling like I have a little control. I like the idea of publishing things for anyone to see, but at the same time, there's only so much I want to put out of myself and my life at one time (and that's ignoring safety implications). I always hated writing in journals, but I've always liked blogs. I guess when I write things, I want people to see them.

I always tell people to commit to their ideas, but unless I'm giving a presentation- I don't. 

In other news, I got invited to a Gay Pride Parade this weekend. It's... well it's weird. We'll see. 

Also, figured out Natasha birthday gift.

and then there is Friday at 3:30

Things are... good. 

Listening to: 

The Silence of Jet Planes

(I just made that up. Sounds cool though, right?)

Lyrics and More

Lyrics of the Day:

One by one, the days fall beside us like yellow leaves We have no conscience Oh, what we're becoming  Month by month, the rings on our tree trunks, like old wise eyes, grow wider and winter lends them a dead disguise  Now time- like an ocean knows tide - like a notion to toss about the house and lose inside the couch And piles of our thoughts run miles in the dark just tryin to get home  Age by age, we rhyme with our seasons' rehearsed routines Still turning and returning  Now I'm wide as the ocean Now I bleed roses And you are just a mark on the map of my past But I am a road I wind along alone all day until the coast

is it weird that sometimes I still get nervous when I see you?

I'm just a little bit fascinated by you. It's weird. I look at you, and sometimes I just want to keep looking until I can't any more. 

God that sounds creepy. 

I'm a really touch oriented person. Like... if I don't come into contact with people, I don't feel real. I'm constantly poking at Natasha, or 'accidentally' bumping into people, or even just adjust my foot a little so that our shoes touch. I like contact. 

I heard once that hugging releases some of the pull of gravity on two bodies- it's as close as we can get to floating. Isn't that amazing? 

Imani and Belen came to see the show today. It made me so happy. 

Lipkin and Karvenz came last night, that was cool too. Bee came. Man, I haven't seen her forever. She doesn't even know about me. Or maybe she does. I don't know. I don't even know who knows. People that I think don't know do, and people I think know don't. 

The show is over. I'm so glad. So so so glad. I'm just... tired. I wish I had one more day before going back to school, to recuperate from spring break. But actually, school won't be bad. I have Rainbow to look forward throughout the day. I can always relax there. 

Natasha told me I should go to Boston U with her and Callie. It's funny, cause when I started looking at BU I thought she would be annoyed and think that I was only doing it because she was. She's weird about stuff like that. I'd love to go to school with her. 

She says her and Callie are gonna get married in 6 years. They've apparently discussed this, got it all planned out. That makes me happy. It also makes me a little sad, because time passes so quickly. We've changed so much. There are so many things that are the same, and so many things that are completely and totally different from the way things used to be. 

She has her seventeenth birthday coming up. I have to figure out what I'm going to get her. It has to be something good. Something really good. Gifts are like... my thing. I always know what to get the people that really matter. But I just haven't thought of anything yet. I want it to be something meaningful, but I always want it to be... hopeful and happy. Maybe something about the way things have changed, and the way they've stayed the same, in all the good ways. 

I found my ipod, it was in the ONE pocket of my purse.

I should shower and then go to sleep. 

My thoughts are so scattered. 

Goodnight.  

"Is golf a year round sport?"

There has got to be something wrong with my brain. 

I got in the car tonight to come home from Rainbow and I just felt... empty. I want to fill the void with music, so I stop in the middle of the parking lot to dig through my bag to find my ipod... and can't find it. Hopefully it's there and I just missed it, or I put it somewhere else. Otherwise I'm gonna freak. Anyway-

Can't find it, so I turn on the radio. It doesn't help. In fact, it made it worse. I want someone's presence. I call Natasha (not really a good idea while driving on the freeway), put the phone on speaker, but she's already on the phone, so she can't talk. I think she was a little pissed that I called her (because I had called her after she first left to tell her that she didn't say bye to me and that that is rude), which makes me a little... sad. I was going to try calling Molly but then... I didn't. I love Molly, but sometimes it hurts. 

Anyway

I called Belen. But then we couldn't hear each other, and after like ten minutes of both of us talking but not being able to hear the other one, we hung up. I sung to myself the rest of the way instead of crying, but I could only remember some of the words to the song so I mostly repeated myself. 

I get into my driveway and I text Megan to see if she's working, and she's not, which means I could have driven over to here house and talked to her, which I had wanted to do, but... I don't know. It didn't... feel right. So I call my mom and ask her to come out to the car and asked her if she would drive around with me for a while, because driving gives me something to concentrate on, but it's lonely. She did. But... it wasn't what I wanted either. 

I did feel a little better after I drove for a while. I came home, ate some dinner, now I'm here. I'm exhausted, I have a DBQ that I haven't started because I forgot I had it until I saw it this morning, a chem. project I could be working on, set design stuff.... but here I am... writing this blog about a ton of things that probably don't make any sense.

A pelican who circles flames instead of water

I feel a little... friendless. Not lonely just alone. Which is sometimes good, being alone but not lonely. It's not bad now, per se, it's just... I don't know what it is. 

We're doing a bon-fire at my house tonight, which is something we do on a pretty regular basis. The last time we did one, a couple of weeks ago, Natasha and Jordan and Molly came over and we had a grand old time. 

So I sent Natasha a text this morning to invite her, but she already has plans with Callie and her family. Which is fine, because I'm sure they made this plan before and Callie is her girlfriend and stuff like that is important.  I just wish that her and Callie being together didn't mean they're together every single chance it is conceivably possible. I want to be able to talk to my friend for more than just the 20 minutes it takes for her to give me a ride home, and if that's all the time I get I don't want to spent 12 of those minutes talking about her and Callie. It's not that I don't want to talk about those things, it's that I hardly ever actually get to talk to the one person who seems to always get stuff, about the things that I need someone to get. 

I don't know if Molly and I can hang out and have anything to talk about

 other than Joey nonsense. Which is as much my fault as hers. Maybe even more my fault than hers. I just... have a hard time accepting all the nonsense. Sometimes it's harder for people on the outside to let go of things than it is for people on the inside. I guess I still don't feel like I know how to talk to Molly without other people around that I can deflect the conversation onto if I feel like its necessary. She may not even want to talk to me.

 Angel is upset with me. I wasn't thinking, and I made an offhanded comment that upset her. I couldn't figure out why, until she pointed it out. It was one of those things where you're really saying something for yourself, but you say it to someone else and as soon as you say something to someone else, they take it as you saying it for them because you said it to them. I want to apologize again for not thinking, but sometimes I try to fix things too much and end up making them worse. Maybe she's not even mad any more. But she's been sick the last three days, and I don't want to bother her. 

I haven't actually had a conversation with Belen in... I don't know how long. We sat together at lunch for a little while on Thursday and had pleasant conversation, which was really nice. But other why's we're about as clued into each others lives as people who pass each other on the side walk. That's not really true, because I still read her blog, but that doesn't really count as being clued in because anyone can read those blogs. I wonder if she's gotten her tattoo yet. Megan thought maybe that was why she wasn't at school yesterday. 

Your Grey's Quote for the Day:

Practicing medicine doesn't lend itself to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday, we're forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person, we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don't bother making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line. To push each loss as far away as we can. 

I want only this: I want to live a simple life

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I'm gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love
Oh...
I get by with a little help from my friends,
I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends

Fragile like a looking glass

You know that statement 'you have to hit rock bottom to work your way back up'? 

I don't know if I totally agree with it, but there is definitely some truth to it. The trick is, everyday you have to remind yourself that you're working your way up from the bottom, because otherwise you'll wake up one morning and without even realizing it you'll fall all the way back down.

P.S. In case you were wondering- conceptually, Alice in Wonderland is one of the most wonderful stories/ideas that to my knowledge has ever exist. I haven't read the book, but I still have Belen's copy, so maybe I will...