Something wicked this way comes

So, Prom is fast approaching.
And everyone is starting to get all wigged out about it. I guess I don't get it. I mean, I get it, but honestly, it's not like this prom is going to be different from last years, and when it comes to my friends, we're all just going to be hanging out together so it doesn't matter who is who's date.

There are people who've had there dresses picked out since summer!

siouxsys

I was thinking about prom, and having to find a date.

Chelsee Bergen

you don't have to

Chelsee Bergen

unless you mean to pay for you

Chelsee Bergen

haha

siouxsys

I have to have a date to prom.

Chelsee Bergen

Why?

siouxsys

Because it's prom.

Chelsee Bergen

That's stupid.

siouxsys

Not really

Chelsee Bergen

Going with someone just to go with someone is stupid

Chelsee Bergen

And wanting a date is different than having to have one.

siouxsys

Well then, I want a date, but even if I didn't I'd still feel like I'd have to.

Chelsee Bergen

except you'll probably just end up going with one of our friends, or someone on the outer rim of our circle, and being each others dates will consist of treating each other just like you're treating every other member of the group, and matching colors.

siouxsys

Which is what I want

Chelsee Bergen

why

siouxsys

Because I like being there with someone specific, whether it ends up being like that the whole night or not.

I dunno. I guess I'm just confident in the fact that I'm not going to be doing much of anything different than I have for anything else. It's unlikely I'll have a date, I probably won't go get a dress until after the beginning of April, there likely won't be any other kind of special events attached to it, so there's not really a lot for me to do (unless I want to be unhappy) than just be comfortable with that fact. 

It doesn't bother me, but I guess a part of me thinks it would be nice to get all worked up over it like everyone else seems to be getting. 

I'm excited, I'm just not.... enthralled? 

I'll just have to settle for finding a fucking gorgeous dress to be my date- now that I can look forward to.

For Sure.

Travel Back to the Mundane

Here goes literal:

I'm trying to decide if it would be worth it to have portraits taken of everyone all dressed up for Prom. 

Dana does groups of up to five for $139, which is $27 a person, and then $25 for every person after that. Which isn't bad. In fact, it's about the price (or less) that you would pay if you had pictures done by Bernhard and Williams at the dance, but you get 1-2 hours for it, instead of 15 minutes. I'm just afraid that I would look at them and immediately start critiquing them and myself. 

I wish I could take pictures and be in them at the same time. I love photography and the way people look from behind the camera. It always disappoints me that no one ever looks at me that way. 

So maybe it would be good? 

I guess maybe it seems stupid, but if I'm gonna do this thing, I'm gonna do it right. 

We could do it at Floyd Lamb State Park, with all the grass and trees and pretty things there. I guess I should ask tomorrow if anyone else would even be interested. 

Maybe Me, Angel, Angel's date Franz, Belen, Jon, Megan? Maybe Angel wouldn't even care if Franz was in the pictures or not, since he's not a part of our group. 

I should be sleeping right now. 

Goodnight Moon

P.S. The show is going well- we open a week from tomorrow.

Nowhere near Uganda

There's this Cherry Poppin' Daddies song that says, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else," which is kind of vulgar- but it's true too. 

I've spent so much time holding onto this Nathan* thing, I don't know how to let it go. I know that I have to though. Somehow. Because even though it's not a problem as far as hanging out, and talking goes, it's a problem for me. And I'm discovering that one of the worse problems to have are the one-sided ones.

I don't want to do this nameless, philosophical mumbo-jumbo. I want to talk to someone. I want to say what I mean. But somehow it all gets caught up in this tangle of words where  I can't say what I mean or mean what I say and I can hardly tell what I mean from what I want to mean and all I really want is for someone to hold my hand and tell me it's not stupid that I want to go to the stupid prom.

You have to fight for your right... to fight?

I just posted a blog. Lyrics. That was supposed to be enough; ambiguous, but symbolic. 

And yet here I am, unable to contain myself. I feel.... like I'm going to burst. 

I wanted to talk to Natasha last night when I woke up at 1:00, but she didn't answer my text, so I started talking to Molly about this whole Joey-Prom-Debacle, only to find out that she couldn't really talk, because she was out with Natasha. Which just ate at me- the fact that I couldn't talk to either of the people I wanted to, because they were with each other. I thought about calling Angel, but then realized the only thing I could think of to talk about with her was all the things I've missed while I've been gone, and I didn't want to hear about that. 

This three hour time difference is really getting to me. 

I ended up talking to Joey for a bit. I've officially resigned myself to stay out from the middle of him and Molly. Because they're my friends, and I want them to be happy, and I think they could be happy with each other, I keep playing the go-between, and it's not working. They're whole problem is that neither one will really talk to the other one about anything that really matters. So I've been trying to do it. And it's a disservice to them. And me. 

I am, after all, the one who keeps saying if you always do something for someone, why would they ever do it for themselves?

They're going to the beach. I don't want to go to the beach, but I don't want to stay here all by myself. 

No one at home has school, which should make this the perfect opportunity for me to talk to the people I've been wanting to talk to, but it's only 7 at home, which means that more than likely no one is even awake. 

I feel like the only thing keeping me tied to Vegas is Rainbow. I love it there, I don't want to leave it. But at the same time, knowing that next year I'm going to have to anyway- it hardly seems like reason enough to stay. 

I guess part of it has to do with the fact that whether I move this summer or not, I'm gonna be moving for college in a year anyway. Anyone that I'm really going to stay friends with after graduation is someone that I would stay friends with even if I moved now. 

The only thing even keeping me remotely attached to school for next year is Modern Lit. Not because Northwest is a bad school - because it's really not- I'm just not cut out for typical high school, and when it comes down to it, that's what it is- a typical high school. 

I'm such a different person when I'm away from the regular day-to-day routine I have at home. I don't want to go back. I don't like the person I am there. The person I am when I'm away doesn't fit into that mold. Doesn't work in the suffocating 6 hour school days being taught the same thing over and over again with the same types of people all just repeating everything they've ever done- parroting it all back. I don't want to be one of those people. But that's what I am when I'm there- a perpetually repeating parrot. 

it all makes me feel... sick to my stomach. 

That's probably... extreme, but it's one of those karmic death circles that once you get sucked in, you have to see the bleak side of it all. Extreme, but not necessarily untrue. 

I just.... need something new.