"It is surprising how easy it was to live that life. Everyone and everything cooperated with the process. Everything in our culture--books, television, movies, school, fashion-- is presented as if it is being seen by one pair of eyes, shaped by one set of hands, heard by one pair of ears. Even if you know you are not part of that imaginary creature--if you like country music not symphonies, read books cynically, listen to the news unbelievingly, are lesbian not heterosexual, and surround yourself with your own small deviant community--you are still shaped by that hegemony, or your resistance to it. The only way I found to resist that homogenized view of the world was to make myself part of something larger than myself."

Talk the Talk

I rather dislike that even after people delete their blogs, they still show up in my feed.

I woke up ten minutes earlier than I needed to, wide awake. It was great.

I feel good.

I have banish all my nerves about college and figuring stuff out.

I survived the transition from being home schooled to public, public to magnet and I kept freaking straight A's. I can do it. No problem.

Still, in tribute-

"It is my first morning of high school, I have seven new notebooks, a skirt I hate, and a stomachache."

It's about time to senior walk it out.

We're all just going along for the ride...

"Maybe it was true, and being a girl could be about interest rates and skinny jeans, riding bikes and wearing pink. Not about any one thing, but everything. "

". . .it didn't make you noble to step away from something that wasn't working, even if you thought you were the reason for the malfunction. Especially then. It just made you a quitter. Because if you were the problem, chances were you could also be the solution. The only way to find out was to take another shot."

Oh Jealousy

It's amazing the way things find us at just the right time:

"Destiny is a name often given in retrospect to choices that had dramatic consequences." -JK Rowling

I guess we were destined to end up like this.

Dam, time to open the flood gates.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation. Kind of reminded me of Sam and Emily. No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch. I knew what it was like for Leah, having to see that all the time. Having to hear it in Sam's head. Of course we all felt bad for her... But I guess we'd blamed her for how she handled it. Lashing out at everyone, trying to make us all as miserable as she was. I would never blame her again. How could anyone help spreading this kind of misery around? How could anyone not try to ease some of the burden by shoving a little piece of it off on someone else?"

One of the rules about teenage girls that Lipkin gave us when we were reading the Crucible is that girls try and 'break up the cookie' by spreading things around. Like if they get enough people involved in a situation, it will be dispersed and thus less painful. I don't have a whole lot to say about that, but I thought of that rule when I read the last piece of that quote.

As for the first part- the first four sentences really - I do have something to say about.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation...No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch."

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around Callie and Natasha. They're so... together. Couple-y.

They're like puzzle pieces that match up all perfectly, and its not always obvious, but when it is... it is. It's hard to explain though, because they're not like those people who are all over each other (well, sometimes they are, but thats besides the point), it's like... they speak this language that only exists between the two of them, and they have this magnetic pull that keeps them close together, even when they're not touching or even next to each other.

It feels weird because the closest thing I've ever had to that with someone was with Natasha, so seeing how well they fit together is... awkward. But, it's not even about her, it's more... the placeholder of her. She's the human representation of an idea I guess. The embodiment.

That's part of the reason it's so hard to explain, because it really has very little to do with her, but I can't explain it without mentioning her because she's the placeholder in every exemplary situation.

I was thinking yesterday and today about the place on your body that no one else touches, unless you're together, usually. And yeah, you can take that to be anatomically suggestive, but that isn't even what I mean. Think about it- how often do you purposefully come into contact with other human beings through the day? Maybe you hug some people, you might even squeeze someone's hand, but there really isn't a lot of contact outside of the accidental bumps and nudges. When you're not involved with someone, no one sets their hand on your knee, rests their leg or their arm against yours, people don't touch your face, your back, the space where your neck meets your shoulder. All those body parts and untouched spaces seem insignificant until you think about the way we've reserved them for certain situations, certain people. They're not sexual in connotation, or at least they don't have to be, they're just a delicate- yet purposeful- way of physically conveying something intangible.

Lying your arm next to someone else's on an armrest, sleeping on someone's shoulder, resting your head in their lap... you can't share that with everyone. You have to be comfortable. Both of you. Most people don't recognize those moments, don't realize how significant they are. Most people take it for granted.

It's not granted. You miss it when its gone, even if you can't put your finger on exactly what it is you miss. You get envious even when you know you shouldn't and you try your hardest not to be.

So appreciate it. Even when it's fleeting.

:/

Oh...

"A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself." - Jim Morrison

That's the way we get by, because you think you can do these things Nemo but you can't

I thrive on my ability to control

my ability to control myself

I create because in creation I control everything

my own piece of the universe

it's not as if I can't let other people be in control

but someone has to be in control 

if you're not, then I am 

if no one is in control, you're a victim 

I have very little tolerance for people who are out of control

Mario Andrette once said, "if you think you're in control, you're just not going fast enough" 

but you know what I think? 

I think the most satisfying thing in the world is to be vibrant and massive and a complete force of nature and know that you are in control. You and no one else. 

I think love and friendship are handing your past and your flaws and your fears to someone and saying, I relinquish control. I think that that is incredibly meaningful.

 Except it doesn't mean a thing if you hand out that control to anyone who might happen by, or if you never had it at all. 

"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave

you were what I wanted

I gave what I gave"

I have a feeling there will be more to this in the near future

House Call.

"Why do you want to know so badly?"

"Because it's an anomaly. Anomalies bug me." 

"Being miserable doesn't make you better than any body else. It just makes you miserable." 

I miss you.

I miss you a whole lot. 

I just want to hold your hand again.

It doesn't get more lame than that

"The only person who deserves more pity than someone who has lost the most important people in their life, is someone who is doing so and doesn't realize it."

If something can't be fixed, maybe the problem lies in the fact that it isn't really broken

whole, and pleasant, are not necessarily synonymous, nor are they mutually exclusive.

In addition to my pearls of wisdom-

I love Megan Becerra with all my heart.

Ten dolla'

Faulkner: "[Hemingway] has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."  

Hemingway: “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use.”

For You I Will (Or um... not)

I wish there was a way to reconcile who I always think people are, and who they really are. I try not to do too much interpretation of people's actions anymore, just take them as they are as much as I can, and yet somehow I must get it wrong because what I see is not what I am getting. 

Or... what I think I see? 

I don't think that makes much sense. It's like.... well it's like what Karvenz said today, technology has ruined humanity. We don't talk face to face anymore, we email, myspace, text, and it all gets lost. So much so that even when we really are face to face, things are still missing. It's like somehow the digital-written world stops existing in the real world. 

That was kind of the problem when I was dating Joey. I mean... that wasn't THE problem, THE problem was that he's a guy but that's besides the point. It was like... we would have these amazing deep conversations online and talk on the phone and every thing would just be really easy and open, and then we would see each other in person and it was awkward and tangled and somehow none of that technological stuff mattered when it really came down to it. 

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. " - Mary - He's Just Not That Into You

Stardust

“Every atom of carbon inside our bodies was once inside a star. We are all made from the ashes of dead stars.”


I got cast :]

Calm, Cool and Collected

I'm beginning to feel... complete.

At least relatively.

More complete than before, certainly. 

Things got out of hand so easily

and they came back into hand in much the same way.

it's just the slightest bit... frightening 

frightening because it came and went so easily, who knows when it appear again

and

frightening because what am I going to do without that feeling of chaos? 

"If you think you're in control- you're just not going fast enough."