"11:11" "My clock is three minutes fast."

Happy Birthday to me.


Went to see Working for Super Summer Theatre.

It was pretty bad.



Molly drove me home and we talked. It was.... really really nice. The kind of conversation I haven't had in a really long time, and really exactly what I needed.
It was kind of like we each said what we needed to say, listened to what the other one had to say, and then said what we needed to say. There wasn't any not knowing what to say or making things awkward.
Natasha called in the middle of our conversation, which was weird. She told Molly to call her back when we were done. I'm kind of interested as to why she called, but it actually doesn't bother me.

I haven't been keeping up with the labels on my blogs.

Half-Blood Blogger

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way things change over time. I've talked a lot about it to. But it doesn't stop being strange. It doesn't stop being both incredibly comforting and horrendously unnerving that life goes on whether you're ready for it to or not.

A few months ago Lipkin said to me, "You're only going to stay friends with three people after high school, you're just hoping its the same friends you have now."

I have supposed to make a movie this summer with Molly and Natasha and Caity and Shannin. I really wanted to make this one happen. Wanted to see it through unlike all the other projects we've started and stopped. June is gone, we're a week into July, August is completely booked. I haven't talked to Natasha since the 22nd of June except for the one text I got from her about having already gone into Rainbow. Haven't talked to Caity since then either. Molly and I had a brief text exchange in which I said, "The summer doesn't belong to us anymore" and she said, "Things have changed."

With all the family stuff that's been going on, I've thought briefly about talking to Natasha. I actually went so far as to send her a text the other night to ask if she was up. But I mean, she's got things all sown up with Callie now so what would she need to talk to me for? I'm a broken record after all.

Last Belen and I talked we had a huge fight mostly comprised of her attacking me and me not knowing what to say in response because I never know what to say unless I'm antagonizing her. We worked things out, but only in the sense that we basically agreed to disagree. She's left me some comments, which is obviously not a bad sign, but I can't see how things are going to be much different in the long run unless one of us changes. Which seems unlikely.

Joey leaves in the fall. We hardly ever talk. A part of me thinks that maybe if I had had any kind of sense and we'd never gone out that things would be different and another part thinks that maybe being as close as we were for a little while was the best I could have hope for. Another part says that what's done is done and it doesn't matter much either way now.

Tim is the president of... everything, and was too busy to even be involved of the crumbling of our ragtag gang, although I don't blame him.

Josh Burns has been gone for quite some time, but at one point he also belonged to our odd little bunch.

Joel was very much a circumstantial member and more an addition to Joey's presence than anything else, not because we don't all like him but because he missed out on the time when we all sort of melted together into whatever it is we were.

Shane and Brandon (and Ryan as an extension of Brandon) will be back around once school starts, but other than whatever bon fires or parties that take place before then it's unlikely we'll really do anything this summer. And once school ends again we'll keep in touch by extension, telling so-and-so to tell so-and-so to tell each other hello. If even that.

Lauren will likely be much the same.

Jon is more than likely the same as he started out as and (after his swift detachment during the Significant Other stage) looks to be returning to an extension of Megan (although that appears to also be... stretching).

Flaviona likewise.

Clacel and I talk quite frequently although I'm not sure if we're friends. She certainly knows more about what's been happening recently than a lot of people. It's not that we're not friends its just... Well its more a matter of whether we'll be friends or not once school starts. Again, it's not as if we'll cease to be whatever it is we are now once school starts, its whether we'll associate beyond text messages and kindly harassing each other in classes.

Angel and Megan are two people I'm not really sure what to say about. I've definitely talk to and spent more time with them than anyone else but after looking at the rest of this blog I can't help but to get this transient feeling. I sure Megan's first response to that will be to vehemently defend out future as friends, but she knows as well as I do that no matter your intentions and plans you really can't guarantee the outcome of anything.

I have this feeling that Belen will read this and think again on the conversation we had and what she said to me about my having requirements for people to be friends, and will maybe even think that its horrible that I can summarize things like this and call people extensions of other people. Or maybe she won't think that at all. Maybe she'll even agree.

What it comes down to is that if you consider ever person you're ever involved with your friend, the term friend stops being important because any acquaintance is one. It's not that people aren't your friend, its that calling them that would be sticking a label on them that's not necessarily accurate for the sake of your own ease and compartmentalization.

It doesn't diminish the relationship, its just accepting your honest perception of it.

And life will continue. It will continue to change and differ from expectations and move forward and even on days when it feels like everything has changed so much that nothing could possibly continue, or when things seem like they've slid down hill so much you can't imagine them ever making it back up again, life will continue

with things like weddings, and funerals and yoga classes and movie releases.

It continues whether it has your permission or not.

Bad Ass Blogger

I can get to blogger from school.

This has got to be too good to be true. 

Or maybe it's not. 

I talked to Natasha on the phone this morning about events as of late, and when I got to school I couldn't stop thinking about it- it was really bothering me. Angel and I walked around for a while though, which made it easier to not think about it so much. She told me about Star Trek- which she loved.

She was reading over my shoulder before, but now I think she's stopped. Yep. Just me now. 

I know Natasha was right of course, and that by extension Molly was right, as much as I hate to say that Molly is right when I have to hear what it is she's right about through second hand knowledge. 

Thus, I've resolved to move on. I feel weird about it though. Not the moving on, but the fact that I've decided that I'm going to- so I will. It doesn't seem like the sort of thing you should be able to just do. But then I guess the fact that I can just say, "Yeah, this isn't working, I'm gonna do things differently-" is a sign that things were really right to start with. 

I could actually sit here and write a lot more, because I have more to say- but I'm afraid that I'm gonna get in trouble or something, and lose my blogger privileges. 

Meh.

I don't use tags any more- maybe I should.

I hope Megan is at school- I don't want to drive home by myself today.

A pelican who circles flames instead of water

I feel a little... friendless. Not lonely just alone. Which is sometimes good, being alone but not lonely. It's not bad now, per se, it's just... I don't know what it is. 

We're doing a bon-fire at my house tonight, which is something we do on a pretty regular basis. The last time we did one, a couple of weeks ago, Natasha and Jordan and Molly came over and we had a grand old time. 

So I sent Natasha a text this morning to invite her, but she already has plans with Callie and her family. Which is fine, because I'm sure they made this plan before and Callie is her girlfriend and stuff like that is important.  I just wish that her and Callie being together didn't mean they're together every single chance it is conceivably possible. I want to be able to talk to my friend for more than just the 20 minutes it takes for her to give me a ride home, and if that's all the time I get I don't want to spent 12 of those minutes talking about her and Callie. It's not that I don't want to talk about those things, it's that I hardly ever actually get to talk to the one person who seems to always get stuff, about the things that I need someone to get. 

I don't know if Molly and I can hang out and have anything to talk about

 other than Joey nonsense. Which is as much my fault as hers. Maybe even more my fault than hers. I just... have a hard time accepting all the nonsense. Sometimes it's harder for people on the outside to let go of things than it is for people on the inside. I guess I still don't feel like I know how to talk to Molly without other people around that I can deflect the conversation onto if I feel like its necessary. She may not even want to talk to me.

 Angel is upset with me. I wasn't thinking, and I made an offhanded comment that upset her. I couldn't figure out why, until she pointed it out. It was one of those things where you're really saying something for yourself, but you say it to someone else and as soon as you say something to someone else, they take it as you saying it for them because you said it to them. I want to apologize again for not thinking, but sometimes I try to fix things too much and end up making them worse. Maybe she's not even mad any more. But she's been sick the last three days, and I don't want to bother her. 

I haven't actually had a conversation with Belen in... I don't know how long. We sat together at lunch for a little while on Thursday and had pleasant conversation, which was really nice. But other why's we're about as clued into each others lives as people who pass each other on the side walk. That's not really true, because I still read her blog, but that doesn't really count as being clued in because anyone can read those blogs. I wonder if she's gotten her tattoo yet. Megan thought maybe that was why she wasn't at school yesterday. 

Your Grey's Quote for the Day:

Practicing medicine doesn't lend itself to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday, we're forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person, we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don't bother making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line. To push each loss as far away as we can. 

You have to fight for your right... to fight?

I just posted a blog. Lyrics. That was supposed to be enough; ambiguous, but symbolic. 

And yet here I am, unable to contain myself. I feel.... like I'm going to burst. 

I wanted to talk to Natasha last night when I woke up at 1:00, but she didn't answer my text, so I started talking to Molly about this whole Joey-Prom-Debacle, only to find out that she couldn't really talk, because she was out with Natasha. Which just ate at me- the fact that I couldn't talk to either of the people I wanted to, because they were with each other. I thought about calling Angel, but then realized the only thing I could think of to talk about with her was all the things I've missed while I've been gone, and I didn't want to hear about that. 

This three hour time difference is really getting to me. 

I ended up talking to Joey for a bit. I've officially resigned myself to stay out from the middle of him and Molly. Because they're my friends, and I want them to be happy, and I think they could be happy with each other, I keep playing the go-between, and it's not working. They're whole problem is that neither one will really talk to the other one about anything that really matters. So I've been trying to do it. And it's a disservice to them. And me. 

I am, after all, the one who keeps saying if you always do something for someone, why would they ever do it for themselves?

They're going to the beach. I don't want to go to the beach, but I don't want to stay here all by myself. 

No one at home has school, which should make this the perfect opportunity for me to talk to the people I've been wanting to talk to, but it's only 7 at home, which means that more than likely no one is even awake. 

I feel like the only thing keeping me tied to Vegas is Rainbow. I love it there, I don't want to leave it. But at the same time, knowing that next year I'm going to have to anyway- it hardly seems like reason enough to stay. 

I guess part of it has to do with the fact that whether I move this summer or not, I'm gonna be moving for college in a year anyway. Anyone that I'm really going to stay friends with after graduation is someone that I would stay friends with even if I moved now. 

The only thing even keeping me remotely attached to school for next year is Modern Lit. Not because Northwest is a bad school - because it's really not- I'm just not cut out for typical high school, and when it comes down to it, that's what it is- a typical high school. 

I'm such a different person when I'm away from the regular day-to-day routine I have at home. I don't want to go back. I don't like the person I am there. The person I am when I'm away doesn't fit into that mold. Doesn't work in the suffocating 6 hour school days being taught the same thing over and over again with the same types of people all just repeating everything they've ever done- parroting it all back. I don't want to be one of those people. But that's what I am when I'm there- a perpetually repeating parrot. 

it all makes me feel... sick to my stomach. 

That's probably... extreme, but it's one of those karmic death circles that once you get sucked in, you have to see the bleak side of it all. Extreme, but not necessarily untrue. 

I just.... need something new.