Cinders Ella

Tonight

God, I felt alive tonight.

And there weren't even any parks involved. Which is rare.

Things started out... awkward. Sitting at a table of people where I was the only person who didn't spend six weeks in rehearsal for Joseph (okay, and Callie, who always has Natasha to talk to which for the most part is all she needs). And I couldn't find anything I wanted on the menu- we went to Osaka's. When I eat sushi, it's with my family, and when we eat sushi, we eat sushi. Like... it is a roll extravaganza. Plus, all I really wanted was some french fries. Thats why I wanted to go out in the first place. At any rate.

It ended up not being awkward.
No one talks shit like theater kids, let me tell you.
Also, I am incredibly loud. I know this, but I never realize it until someone tells me to be quiet. I guess that's become my way of getting people to pay attention to me, because otherwise everyone else is talking and I never get to put things in. And I almost always have something to say, but I don't get to.

The eight of us just sat around and ate, and laughed, and talked shit, and laughed louder, and said things that are definitely going to send up to hell, and laughed some more.

Tonight was aces, the whole thing. Light crew is great. We laugh so hard. We have so much fun together. We lay on the floor, and have 'places' rolls, and just rock on.
I have a joke for you.

Some cows are standing in a field, and one of the baby cows goes up to the mother and says: Mother, why is my name Daisy?
The mother says: Because when you were little, and bunch of daisies fell on your head.
Daisy: Oh, okay.
A second baby cow approaches the mother and says: Momma, why is my name Grass?
Mother: Because, when you were born, a bunch of grass fell on your head.
Grass: Ooh.
A third baby cow comes to the mother and says: alskdfjlajsfdklajlfdkaf
Mother: Shut up Cinderblock.

Bahahahahahahaha.
We are hilarious. Comedic. Endless. We are infinite and we like it.

On the way out of the restaurant, Anthony made this joke about the Mexican man working behind the sushi bar, and Alec and I were laughing, and as we're walking into the miniparking lot of Osakas, I trip down the rampway (because it drops off) and fall onto the pole that's meant to alert you to the drop off. Sarah and Anthony kind of caught me, and I just kept laughing hysterically. Apparently Anthony did kind of the same thing a second before, but on a smaller scale so there was no catching, and no one saw him do it. I just laughed.

I looked at the clock as I got into the car, it was 11:48. On the drive home I thought about how wonderful I felt, and how it didn't seem quite possible. Usually when I feel happy, really happy, it seems like some impossible thing. Maybe because the in between time feels like so long, that it feels like it isn't possible.  Not that I'm unhappy in between, not depressed, I'm just not really happy. You have to be in the right situation, with the right people to be really happy.

Also
I'm a horrible person. I won't explain why because... well this is the internet and a public blog and I'm always the one who tells people they can't be surprised when people know stuff they post on the internet, so I'm not going to explain- in the event that I would later wish that someone didn't know.
I don't know if I would have thought it regardless, or if I only think it because someone else put the idea into my head. I mean, it's there idea, they can... keep it, or you know, do nothing with it, as the case may be. But, still.
I'm in such a good mood, I don't actually care about the horrible person thing. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter.

Also
Alche knows McNiceArms. This is irrelevant. In fact, I don't really have a reason to care. McNiceArms is as false and blown out of proportion as a fictional character, or a movie star. There's probably as much chance of anything developing there as there is of something developing with Ian Somerhalder. Okay, slightly greater chance given the age thing and the actually knowing him thing, and all that miscellaneous stuff.



I love my mom.

Dam, time to open the flood gates.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation. Kind of reminded me of Sam and Emily. No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch. I knew what it was like for Leah, having to see that all the time. Having to hear it in Sam's head. Of course we all felt bad for her... But I guess we'd blamed her for how she handled it. Lashing out at everyone, trying to make us all as miserable as she was. I would never blame her again. How could anyone help spreading this kind of misery around? How could anyone not try to ease some of the burden by shoving a little piece of it off on someone else?"

One of the rules about teenage girls that Lipkin gave us when we were reading the Crucible is that girls try and 'break up the cookie' by spreading things around. Like if they get enough people involved in a situation, it will be dispersed and thus less painful. I don't have a whole lot to say about that, but I thought of that rule when I read the last piece of that quote.

As for the first part- the first four sentences really - I do have something to say about.

"They stared into each other’s eyes, but not in a gooey way. It was like they were having a conversation...No, it wasn't gooey, but that only made it harder to watch."

Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around Callie and Natasha. They're so... together. Couple-y.

They're like puzzle pieces that match up all perfectly, and its not always obvious, but when it is... it is. It's hard to explain though, because they're not like those people who are all over each other (well, sometimes they are, but thats besides the point), it's like... they speak this language that only exists between the two of them, and they have this magnetic pull that keeps them close together, even when they're not touching or even next to each other.

It feels weird because the closest thing I've ever had to that with someone was with Natasha, so seeing how well they fit together is... awkward. But, it's not even about her, it's more... the placeholder of her. She's the human representation of an idea I guess. The embodiment.

That's part of the reason it's so hard to explain, because it really has very little to do with her, but I can't explain it without mentioning her because she's the placeholder in every exemplary situation.

I was thinking yesterday and today about the place on your body that no one else touches, unless you're together, usually. And yeah, you can take that to be anatomically suggestive, but that isn't even what I mean. Think about it- how often do you purposefully come into contact with other human beings through the day? Maybe you hug some people, you might even squeeze someone's hand, but there really isn't a lot of contact outside of the accidental bumps and nudges. When you're not involved with someone, no one sets their hand on your knee, rests their leg or their arm against yours, people don't touch your face, your back, the space where your neck meets your shoulder. All those body parts and untouched spaces seem insignificant until you think about the way we've reserved them for certain situations, certain people. They're not sexual in connotation, or at least they don't have to be, they're just a delicate- yet purposeful- way of physically conveying something intangible.

Lying your arm next to someone else's on an armrest, sleeping on someone's shoulder, resting your head in their lap... you can't share that with everyone. You have to be comfortable. Both of you. Most people don't recognize those moments, don't realize how significant they are. Most people take it for granted.

It's not granted. You miss it when its gone, even if you can't put your finger on exactly what it is you miss. You get envious even when you know you shouldn't and you try your hardest not to be.

So appreciate it. Even when it's fleeting.

1 way 2 say 4 word - that song is bad

Kariza asked me today if I was going to the ROTC banquet tomorrow night. I told her no, I hadn't been invited, and she made just about the most surprised face I've ever seen.

"She didn't invite you?"

It didn't really seem odd until I thought about it after that. I don't know if Natasha has ever really invited me to anything. 

That makes me think of... well... a while ago.

I wanted to get together with Molly tonight, but she's at stamp club and I don't know if my mom will let me go out later. I need to move around. 

I keep thinking about last night, and the fact that I don't like people seeing me when I'm in bad shape- all bruised and battered for no apparent reason.

Figuratively. Figuratively bruised and battered. Last thing I need is someone freaking out thinking I'm abused. 

I make friends with people who don't want to be seem when they're not at the top of their game, so we all hide from each other when what we really need is to just let someone in and so we're all together and all alone. 

I need a sense of balance. I don't know how to moderately care about someone. Be moderate friends with them. It somehow turns into an all or nothing thing. 

Like- I can't stand not knowing where I stand with people. I would rather that people dislike me than they float around in unidentifiability. 

Its why I couldn't be friends with Devon, or Chase

Okay- so there were other reasons why I couldn't be friends with them, but the culmination was that I couldn't take not knowing where I stood with them. 

Just for kicks, while Devon is fresh in the brain

Natasha said the other day that Callie is kind of like Devon, and that it makes sense because she always had such a strong connection with Devon but things never quite... matched up right. 

Which was kind of hard to hear. It shouldn't have been. But a lot of things shouldn't be. 

I don't know where my head is. Actually, maybe I don't know where my heart is and so attempts to find it just get my head lost

Things I'd like to say:

1. I'm sorry. I'm not really being fair. I just don't know how else to be. I hope you know what I'm talking about.

2. I'm worried about you. I worry about you a lot. 

3. I miss you. 

4. I want to hold your hand. 

5. I'm going to miss you soo soo soo much. Sometimes it feels like you're hardly a part of my life, and yet I still feel like I'll have no idea what to do without you around. 

It's cold in here.

I need to stop brooding. 

Someone tell me something funny.

-Have a good night.

Lyrics and More

Lyrics of the Day:

One by one, the days fall beside us like yellow leaves We have no conscience Oh, what we're becoming  Month by month, the rings on our tree trunks, like old wise eyes, grow wider and winter lends them a dead disguise  Now time- like an ocean knows tide - like a notion to toss about the house and lose inside the couch And piles of our thoughts run miles in the dark just tryin to get home  Age by age, we rhyme with our seasons' rehearsed routines Still turning and returning  Now I'm wide as the ocean Now I bleed roses And you are just a mark on the map of my past But I am a road I wind along alone all day until the coast

is it weird that sometimes I still get nervous when I see you?

I'm just a little bit fascinated by you. It's weird. I look at you, and sometimes I just want to keep looking until I can't any more. 

God that sounds creepy. 

I'm a really touch oriented person. Like... if I don't come into contact with people, I don't feel real. I'm constantly poking at Natasha, or 'accidentally' bumping into people, or even just adjust my foot a little so that our shoes touch. I like contact. 

I heard once that hugging releases some of the pull of gravity on two bodies- it's as close as we can get to floating. Isn't that amazing? 

Imani and Belen came to see the show today. It made me so happy. 

Lipkin and Karvenz came last night, that was cool too. Bee came. Man, I haven't seen her forever. She doesn't even know about me. Or maybe she does. I don't know. I don't even know who knows. People that I think don't know do, and people I think know don't. 

The show is over. I'm so glad. So so so glad. I'm just... tired. I wish I had one more day before going back to school, to recuperate from spring break. But actually, school won't be bad. I have Rainbow to look forward throughout the day. I can always relax there. 

Natasha told me I should go to Boston U with her and Callie. It's funny, cause when I started looking at BU I thought she would be annoyed and think that I was only doing it because she was. She's weird about stuff like that. I'd love to go to school with her. 

She says her and Callie are gonna get married in 6 years. They've apparently discussed this, got it all planned out. That makes me happy. It also makes me a little sad, because time passes so quickly. We've changed so much. There are so many things that are the same, and so many things that are completely and totally different from the way things used to be. 

She has her seventeenth birthday coming up. I have to figure out what I'm going to get her. It has to be something good. Something really good. Gifts are like... my thing. I always know what to get the people that really matter. But I just haven't thought of anything yet. I want it to be something meaningful, but I always want it to be... hopeful and happy. Maybe something about the way things have changed, and the way they've stayed the same, in all the good ways. 

I found my ipod, it was in the ONE pocket of my purse.

I should shower and then go to sleep. 

My thoughts are so scattered. 

Goodnight.  

Choose A Fucking Snack Food

I'm having a little shin dig at my house tonight, and Natasha is bringing Callie, and I'm basically out of food, so I send Natasha text asking her what I should buy at the store

she sends me this super long list of random things like cottage cheese, and go-gurt, canned pineapple, Swedish fish, a cupcake cake, angel food cake, Top Ramen, pop-tarts. 

Nothing we would actually eat.

My mom wanted me to pick some things up for dinner to.

So I walk to the store, get my stuff, and I'm walking home- it's not until I'm half-way back, talking to Natasha, that I realize that I spent so much time looking for stupid things to buy off of the random list she sent me that I didn't actually buy any food (or drinks) that we'll eat. 

Unless we take to eating canned pineapple. 

She's gonna pick stuff up on her way over here, so it doesn't really matter that I didn't buy a single thing I went to the store for (I did buy my mom's stuff, though), but it just seemed... kind of like an a really odd symbol of the kind of relationship Natasha and I have. 

Sentimental bullshit.