Cinders Ella

Tonight

God, I felt alive tonight.

And there weren't even any parks involved. Which is rare.

Things started out... awkward. Sitting at a table of people where I was the only person who didn't spend six weeks in rehearsal for Joseph (okay, and Callie, who always has Natasha to talk to which for the most part is all she needs). And I couldn't find anything I wanted on the menu- we went to Osaka's. When I eat sushi, it's with my family, and when we eat sushi, we eat sushi. Like... it is a roll extravaganza. Plus, all I really wanted was some french fries. Thats why I wanted to go out in the first place. At any rate.

It ended up not being awkward.
No one talks shit like theater kids, let me tell you.
Also, I am incredibly loud. I know this, but I never realize it until someone tells me to be quiet. I guess that's become my way of getting people to pay attention to me, because otherwise everyone else is talking and I never get to put things in. And I almost always have something to say, but I don't get to.

The eight of us just sat around and ate, and laughed, and talked shit, and laughed louder, and said things that are definitely going to send up to hell, and laughed some more.

Tonight was aces, the whole thing. Light crew is great. We laugh so hard. We have so much fun together. We lay on the floor, and have 'places' rolls, and just rock on.
I have a joke for you.

Some cows are standing in a field, and one of the baby cows goes up to the mother and says: Mother, why is my name Daisy?
The mother says: Because when you were little, and bunch of daisies fell on your head.
Daisy: Oh, okay.
A second baby cow approaches the mother and says: Momma, why is my name Grass?
Mother: Because, when you were born, a bunch of grass fell on your head.
Grass: Ooh.
A third baby cow comes to the mother and says: alskdfjlajsfdklajlfdkaf
Mother: Shut up Cinderblock.

Bahahahahahahaha.
We are hilarious. Comedic. Endless. We are infinite and we like it.

On the way out of the restaurant, Anthony made this joke about the Mexican man working behind the sushi bar, and Alec and I were laughing, and as we're walking into the miniparking lot of Osakas, I trip down the rampway (because it drops off) and fall onto the pole that's meant to alert you to the drop off. Sarah and Anthony kind of caught me, and I just kept laughing hysterically. Apparently Anthony did kind of the same thing a second before, but on a smaller scale so there was no catching, and no one saw him do it. I just laughed.

I looked at the clock as I got into the car, it was 11:48. On the drive home I thought about how wonderful I felt, and how it didn't seem quite possible. Usually when I feel happy, really happy, it seems like some impossible thing. Maybe because the in between time feels like so long, that it feels like it isn't possible.  Not that I'm unhappy in between, not depressed, I'm just not really happy. You have to be in the right situation, with the right people to be really happy.

Also
I'm a horrible person. I won't explain why because... well this is the internet and a public blog and I'm always the one who tells people they can't be surprised when people know stuff they post on the internet, so I'm not going to explain- in the event that I would later wish that someone didn't know.
I don't know if I would have thought it regardless, or if I only think it because someone else put the idea into my head. I mean, it's there idea, they can... keep it, or you know, do nothing with it, as the case may be. But, still.
I'm in such a good mood, I don't actually care about the horrible person thing. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter.

Also
Alche knows McNiceArms. This is irrelevant. In fact, I don't really have a reason to care. McNiceArms is as false and blown out of proportion as a fictional character, or a movie star. There's probably as much chance of anything developing there as there is of something developing with Ian Somerhalder. Okay, slightly greater chance given the age thing and the actually knowing him thing, and all that miscellaneous stuff.



I love my mom.

Half-Blood Blogger

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way things change over time. I've talked a lot about it to. But it doesn't stop being strange. It doesn't stop being both incredibly comforting and horrendously unnerving that life goes on whether you're ready for it to or not.

A few months ago Lipkin said to me, "You're only going to stay friends with three people after high school, you're just hoping its the same friends you have now."

I have supposed to make a movie this summer with Molly and Natasha and Caity and Shannin. I really wanted to make this one happen. Wanted to see it through unlike all the other projects we've started and stopped. June is gone, we're a week into July, August is completely booked. I haven't talked to Natasha since the 22nd of June except for the one text I got from her about having already gone into Rainbow. Haven't talked to Caity since then either. Molly and I had a brief text exchange in which I said, "The summer doesn't belong to us anymore" and she said, "Things have changed."

With all the family stuff that's been going on, I've thought briefly about talking to Natasha. I actually went so far as to send her a text the other night to ask if she was up. But I mean, she's got things all sown up with Callie now so what would she need to talk to me for? I'm a broken record after all.

Last Belen and I talked we had a huge fight mostly comprised of her attacking me and me not knowing what to say in response because I never know what to say unless I'm antagonizing her. We worked things out, but only in the sense that we basically agreed to disagree. She's left me some comments, which is obviously not a bad sign, but I can't see how things are going to be much different in the long run unless one of us changes. Which seems unlikely.

Joey leaves in the fall. We hardly ever talk. A part of me thinks that maybe if I had had any kind of sense and we'd never gone out that things would be different and another part thinks that maybe being as close as we were for a little while was the best I could have hope for. Another part says that what's done is done and it doesn't matter much either way now.

Tim is the president of... everything, and was too busy to even be involved of the crumbling of our ragtag gang, although I don't blame him.

Josh Burns has been gone for quite some time, but at one point he also belonged to our odd little bunch.

Joel was very much a circumstantial member and more an addition to Joey's presence than anything else, not because we don't all like him but because he missed out on the time when we all sort of melted together into whatever it is we were.

Shane and Brandon (and Ryan as an extension of Brandon) will be back around once school starts, but other than whatever bon fires or parties that take place before then it's unlikely we'll really do anything this summer. And once school ends again we'll keep in touch by extension, telling so-and-so to tell so-and-so to tell each other hello. If even that.

Lauren will likely be much the same.

Jon is more than likely the same as he started out as and (after his swift detachment during the Significant Other stage) looks to be returning to an extension of Megan (although that appears to also be... stretching).

Flaviona likewise.

Clacel and I talk quite frequently although I'm not sure if we're friends. She certainly knows more about what's been happening recently than a lot of people. It's not that we're not friends its just... Well its more a matter of whether we'll be friends or not once school starts. Again, it's not as if we'll cease to be whatever it is we are now once school starts, its whether we'll associate beyond text messages and kindly harassing each other in classes.

Angel and Megan are two people I'm not really sure what to say about. I've definitely talk to and spent more time with them than anyone else but after looking at the rest of this blog I can't help but to get this transient feeling. I sure Megan's first response to that will be to vehemently defend out future as friends, but she knows as well as I do that no matter your intentions and plans you really can't guarantee the outcome of anything.

I have this feeling that Belen will read this and think again on the conversation we had and what she said to me about my having requirements for people to be friends, and will maybe even think that its horrible that I can summarize things like this and call people extensions of other people. Or maybe she won't think that at all. Maybe she'll even agree.

What it comes down to is that if you consider ever person you're ever involved with your friend, the term friend stops being important because any acquaintance is one. It's not that people aren't your friend, its that calling them that would be sticking a label on them that's not necessarily accurate for the sake of your own ease and compartmentalization.

It doesn't diminish the relationship, its just accepting your honest perception of it.

And life will continue. It will continue to change and differ from expectations and move forward and even on days when it feels like everything has changed so much that nothing could possibly continue, or when things seem like they've slid down hill so much you can't imagine them ever making it back up again, life will continue

with things like weddings, and funerals and yoga classes and movie releases.

It continues whether it has your permission or not.

"Is golf a year round sport?"

There has got to be something wrong with my brain. 

I got in the car tonight to come home from Rainbow and I just felt... empty. I want to fill the void with music, so I stop in the middle of the parking lot to dig through my bag to find my ipod... and can't find it. Hopefully it's there and I just missed it, or I put it somewhere else. Otherwise I'm gonna freak. Anyway-

Can't find it, so I turn on the radio. It doesn't help. In fact, it made it worse. I want someone's presence. I call Natasha (not really a good idea while driving on the freeway), put the phone on speaker, but she's already on the phone, so she can't talk. I think she was a little pissed that I called her (because I had called her after she first left to tell her that she didn't say bye to me and that that is rude), which makes me a little... sad. I was going to try calling Molly but then... I didn't. I love Molly, but sometimes it hurts. 

Anyway

I called Belen. But then we couldn't hear each other, and after like ten minutes of both of us talking but not being able to hear the other one, we hung up. I sung to myself the rest of the way instead of crying, but I could only remember some of the words to the song so I mostly repeated myself. 

I get into my driveway and I text Megan to see if she's working, and she's not, which means I could have driven over to here house and talked to her, which I had wanted to do, but... I don't know. It didn't... feel right. So I call my mom and ask her to come out to the car and asked her if she would drive around with me for a while, because driving gives me something to concentrate on, but it's lonely. She did. But... it wasn't what I wanted either. 

I did feel a little better after I drove for a while. I came home, ate some dinner, now I'm here. I'm exhausted, I have a DBQ that I haven't started because I forgot I had it until I saw it this morning, a chem. project I could be working on, set design stuff.... but here I am... writing this blog about a ton of things that probably don't make any sense.

You have to fight for your right... to fight?

I just posted a blog. Lyrics. That was supposed to be enough; ambiguous, but symbolic. 

And yet here I am, unable to contain myself. I feel.... like I'm going to burst. 

I wanted to talk to Natasha last night when I woke up at 1:00, but she didn't answer my text, so I started talking to Molly about this whole Joey-Prom-Debacle, only to find out that she couldn't really talk, because she was out with Natasha. Which just ate at me- the fact that I couldn't talk to either of the people I wanted to, because they were with each other. I thought about calling Angel, but then realized the only thing I could think of to talk about with her was all the things I've missed while I've been gone, and I didn't want to hear about that. 

This three hour time difference is really getting to me. 

I ended up talking to Joey for a bit. I've officially resigned myself to stay out from the middle of him and Molly. Because they're my friends, and I want them to be happy, and I think they could be happy with each other, I keep playing the go-between, and it's not working. They're whole problem is that neither one will really talk to the other one about anything that really matters. So I've been trying to do it. And it's a disservice to them. And me. 

I am, after all, the one who keeps saying if you always do something for someone, why would they ever do it for themselves?

They're going to the beach. I don't want to go to the beach, but I don't want to stay here all by myself. 

No one at home has school, which should make this the perfect opportunity for me to talk to the people I've been wanting to talk to, but it's only 7 at home, which means that more than likely no one is even awake. 

I feel like the only thing keeping me tied to Vegas is Rainbow. I love it there, I don't want to leave it. But at the same time, knowing that next year I'm going to have to anyway- it hardly seems like reason enough to stay. 

I guess part of it has to do with the fact that whether I move this summer or not, I'm gonna be moving for college in a year anyway. Anyone that I'm really going to stay friends with after graduation is someone that I would stay friends with even if I moved now. 

The only thing even keeping me remotely attached to school for next year is Modern Lit. Not because Northwest is a bad school - because it's really not- I'm just not cut out for typical high school, and when it comes down to it, that's what it is- a typical high school. 

I'm such a different person when I'm away from the regular day-to-day routine I have at home. I don't want to go back. I don't like the person I am there. The person I am when I'm away doesn't fit into that mold. Doesn't work in the suffocating 6 hour school days being taught the same thing over and over again with the same types of people all just repeating everything they've ever done- parroting it all back. I don't want to be one of those people. But that's what I am when I'm there- a perpetually repeating parrot. 

it all makes me feel... sick to my stomach. 

That's probably... extreme, but it's one of those karmic death circles that once you get sucked in, you have to see the bleak side of it all. Extreme, but not necessarily untrue. 

I just.... need something new.

Draino

I feel... worn out. 

Plane leaves at 1:00 AM. 

I have ensemble tonight, which I'm afraid I'm going to doze through. I'm excited for class tonight though- I just hope I have everything ready that I need. 

I'm nervous about being gone from rehearsal for a week. It means I'll basically have had two and a half weeks of rehearsal.... 

I can do it though. I know I can. By the time I'm back I'll be off-book, and I'll know my character. I will. 

For now, I gotta make sure I have a ride to the airport tonight, and then gotta finish packing.

You're it.

Guess who got a call back for the lead role of a show?

little ol' me :]


We shall find out tomorrow as to the outcome
even if I don't get cast, I'll still be really happy that I got a call back at all, and I can still set design like I was planning to
who knows, I could not get cast as the Shadow Princess (which is what/one of the things I was called back for), but be cast as something else

it's nice to know you can be happy with something no matter how it turns out.


Went to see Clue and Faith Lutheran tonight, it was great. Timothy Heidorn is fantastic :]
Him and Shannon are so cute- I hope he stops being weird about the two of them dating. None of my business though, I suppose.

Faced an interesting question this evening
Me: *Filler conversation because Shannon and I are stuck at the end of the row, cut off from everyone else*
Shannon: So do you have a boyfriend or anything?
Me: No..
Shannon: Why?
Me: Well... *Thought*

Saved by Natasha trying to incorporate us into a conversation.
One day I'll actually have to answer that question.
I'm gonna try not to think about it thought- not as a way of avoiding it, but as a way of not planning out some long drawn out answer to a question that I can answer pretty simply.

Also, tags are fun. I like them.