A pelican who circles flames instead of water

I feel a little... friendless. Not lonely just alone. Which is sometimes good, being alone but not lonely. It's not bad now, per se, it's just... I don't know what it is. 

We're doing a bon-fire at my house tonight, which is something we do on a pretty regular basis. The last time we did one, a couple of weeks ago, Natasha and Jordan and Molly came over and we had a grand old time. 

So I sent Natasha a text this morning to invite her, but she already has plans with Callie and her family. Which is fine, because I'm sure they made this plan before and Callie is her girlfriend and stuff like that is important.  I just wish that her and Callie being together didn't mean they're together every single chance it is conceivably possible. I want to be able to talk to my friend for more than just the 20 minutes it takes for her to give me a ride home, and if that's all the time I get I don't want to spent 12 of those minutes talking about her and Callie. It's not that I don't want to talk about those things, it's that I hardly ever actually get to talk to the one person who seems to always get stuff, about the things that I need someone to get. 

I don't know if Molly and I can hang out and have anything to talk about

 other than Joey nonsense. Which is as much my fault as hers. Maybe even more my fault than hers. I just... have a hard time accepting all the nonsense. Sometimes it's harder for people on the outside to let go of things than it is for people on the inside. I guess I still don't feel like I know how to talk to Molly without other people around that I can deflect the conversation onto if I feel like its necessary. She may not even want to talk to me.

 Angel is upset with me. I wasn't thinking, and I made an offhanded comment that upset her. I couldn't figure out why, until she pointed it out. It was one of those things where you're really saying something for yourself, but you say it to someone else and as soon as you say something to someone else, they take it as you saying it for them because you said it to them. I want to apologize again for not thinking, but sometimes I try to fix things too much and end up making them worse. Maybe she's not even mad any more. But she's been sick the last three days, and I don't want to bother her. 

I haven't actually had a conversation with Belen in... I don't know how long. We sat together at lunch for a little while on Thursday and had pleasant conversation, which was really nice. But other why's we're about as clued into each others lives as people who pass each other on the side walk. That's not really true, because I still read her blog, but that doesn't really count as being clued in because anyone can read those blogs. I wonder if she's gotten her tattoo yet. Megan thought maybe that was why she wasn't at school yesterday. 

Your Grey's Quote for the Day:

Practicing medicine doesn't lend itself to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday, we're forced to know that life, every minute is borrowed time. And each person, we let ourselves care about is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don't bother making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line. To push each loss as far away as we can. 

Picture Perfect

Being at home along makes me feel like a different person. I have different priorities. 

I'm not so worried about going out, I'd rather have someone come to me. I do get lonely, like I did last night, but sometimes it's no so bad to just sit around and listen to my music by myself- like I'm doing now. 

Devon uploaded some pictures today of him and his girlfriend Kati Paye, that his step-mom Dana took (www.urbanvisionstudios.com/blog). They are just fantastic pictures. They remind me why I love photography so much. When you get a good picture, a really good picture, it doesn't matter how many pictures you had to take to get there. And the thing about pictures is that there is something good in every picture, even the ones you can't understand why you took them. 

It makes me itch to take pictures. Portraits. 

Since no one was around, I went a little photocrazy with my flickr (www.flickr.com/photos/35843555@N06), and facebook.  There is just something so perfect about capturing a moment in time, because no matter how people change you have that one unchanging piece of them held there forever. I kind of like the idea that the camera takes away a piece of your soul, it's not a bad thing, it preserves it there perfectly forever. It can't be broken, or warped. 

I wonder what happens to the person that I am when I'm alone, when I'm no longer alone.