"Does this secret have to do with you being a lesbian, masquerading as a straight girl, masquerading as a boy?"

I allow myself to become way too invested in fictional things.
I just want something to believe in.

I don't know if those two thought are actually related.

I have a new favorite television show. It's called Young Americans. It was only on for one season, in 2000, on the WB. It was supposed to be a spin-off of Dawson's Creek. Got good ratings, apparently had a following, but never came back for a second season.
I watched all 8 episodes today. Loved it.
Now I have to find the DVD somewhere, so that I can watch it whenever I want, and see the unaired pilot episode.
And I really am going to get it, somehow.

Watching it made me do a lot of thinking. Particularly because of Jake and Hamilton.

See, Jake is actually Jacqueline- but she's pretending to be a boy so that she can go to the Rawley Academy for boys. It starts out as this big thing to get her mom's attention and prove to her that she really knows nothing about her daughter- but in the end that's not really what its about.
It sounds absurd when I explain it, but within the context of the show, it's not absurd. It's actually incredibly believable.
(In the first couple of episodes, whenever she's alone in her room, she's always just in her bra and underwear, and at first I thought that was weird, but then I thought about it; that's the only time she really gets to be a girl. Every other hour of the day she's hiding who she is)
Hamilton is the Dean's son, who at first thinks he must be gay, because he's falling for Jake.
Craziest relationship dynamic ever ensues.

Even though my situation is nothing like that, I can totally relate to it. I can imagine how hard it would be for Jake to be a girl, who likes a guy, but is in a situation where that's not at all socially acceptable, and to have to hide the feminine parts of her- and being glad at times, and... not at others.
I can definitely imagine Hamilton's being confused because he likes this guy, which is just not something that has ever happened before. And even when he finds out that that guy is really a girl, things are still... really complicated.

We project what we want to see in things, but the connections there don't really seem hard to make.

I'm not trying to make the illogical logical, I just wish I had a better understanding of things. But maybe there's not anything to understand. I dunno.
It would be nice to really talk about it with somebody. Or maybe... what would actually be best is just to do something. To just try things out in a situation. See something happen and act accordingly. That's unlikely, but hey, you never know.


My project is going well, even considering the pieces I feel like I need but haven't written. Thirteen songs. In the process of laying out my notebook for it, so that it looks like a journal someone is keeping. I'm keeping, I guess. A lot of work goes into making something look spontaneous.

Today someone asked if Callie is Natasha's sister. I laughed.
Things must be hard for them sometimes.
They seem to have it pretty well figured out though.
Who knows....

Goodnight, and good luck.