Jacob.

One day I'm going to turn this blog into a memoir. The whole fucking thing.
Okay, probably not.
But I am going to immortalize all this stuff. I am. Since I don't journal, this is about as close as I have to a record of things that happen, outside of what is in my head.
I think I'm gonna take pictures of all the pages in my project and upload them somewhere. Here. Facebook. I dunno. I want someone to see it. People to see it.

I still want to be friends with Molly.
Not good friends, not best friends, I know we're not fit for that, but I don't know why casual friends would be so wrong. I guess because she doesn't want to be.
I still feel the need to apologize to her. If I said I was sorry, she wouldn't ask why, and so I wouldn't have to explain that I'm not sorry about what happened so much as I'm sorry that things turned out this way over all. That she's had to go through what she's gone through, and that it resulted in all the things it has.

The thought of parallel universes is a really intriguing one. Like this season of Lost. One thing can change everything, and somewhere, I made a different choice, you made a different choice, we all made a different choice. And so everything is different, but still some things must be the same.

Somewhere, Anthony and I didn't break up. Somewhere, we never kissed in the car- that first time, or the last. Somewhere Molly and I are still friends. Somewhere, we were never friends.
And a lot of other things, of course, that's just what's on my mind at the moment. It's kind of a fun game to play, outline all the choices we've made and where they've taken us, and what would be different if one thing had never happened. Of course, there are also the things that would have happened regardless. Fate, maybe? I have this theory on Fate, based in a mathematical idea. I like using math for philosophical things. If Fate exists, in my head this is how it works- There is an ultimate goal, a destination. For the sake of example, that destination is four. No matter what happens, you will always reach the sum of four. But that's not to say that you don't have a choice because
1+3 = 4  / 2+2 = 4  /  2x2 = 4  /  1+1+1+1 = 4  /  1+2+1 = 4  /  1x4 = 4  /  4 = 4  /  6-2 = 4  /  1/2x8 = 4  /  et. all.

So maybe things had to be this way, in order to provide the right number. Obviously the equation is a complicated one. But maybe I need to be -2 + 1 - 1 to equal 4. Of course there are lurking variables, and constants, and so forth. I'm a bit closer with Ryan now than I was before, which, I suppose is a product of the things that have happened. Talking to him about the Molly stuff put a certain amount of trust into the interaction, and Anthony didn't like us being friends so anytime I was irritated I went out of my way to talk to Ryan to piss him off (mature, right?). Note: apparently (so says the grape vine) Annie wasn't any more keen on me than Anthony was on Ryan- I think that makes a certain sense of camaraderie.
Megan and I had a lot more to talk about for a while, although we're still not all that close.
I think that will be the running theme through my memoir. Math. And Fate.
I'm working on standing up for myself more, which is a result of what happened as well. Today I told my mom that I wanted to do something different than what she had planned, which is a small victory, but progress. I'm working out now too. I can't say if that's related or not, but it's good for me. I guess if it's all a big math equation, than working out must be related because it's within the same equation. Maybe in parenthesis.
It occurs to me that I don't really address the fact that Natasha and I aren't friends any more. I don't see her as frequently as Molly though, and I guess I always anticipated we were going to stop being friends at some point- we've been easing into it for a long time.
I don't like all this, "Everything ends," shit, but I can wrap my mind around the idea of an equation. Somehow, it's always got to equal four. That certain amount of inevitability is... comforting?

I think its time for a quick workout, photos of my project, and then some articles. Maybe Whipit before articles- haha.

I'll upload the project pictures when I'm done.

If you've made it this far- thanks.

P.S. If 10% of men are gay and 20% of men are chinese, the likelihood that a man chosen at random spends his free time and meal time on his knees is .02 - you can thank Bo Burnham and AP Statistics and Probability for that one.


"Nobody ever gets what they want and that is beautiful. Everybody dies and that is beautiful."